Documenting my journey through the mental health system

My mind is a swirling mess, so many anxious thoughts and visions of the future. So many triggers in my world despite my best efforts to mitigate them, to manage them, and use the therapy, so much therapy.

When I want to sleep, I’m wide awake. I take the Gabapentin, Vistaril, Melatonin, sometimes Ativan. Force myself to sleep. I wake up anxious, stressed, and aggravated. About my mom, school, work, life, everything.

I’m powering through. I meet with the TA to one of my classes to clear up all these questions I have. The first quarter is nearly over. I’m about to start the 6th and final week. I spend all my spare time on schoolwork. So much so, that I haven’t had much chance to write.

But I’m here now. Working, school, maintaining a house and cats and making it look good. The world is getting worse every day, but every day I strengthen my bubble.

I just hope I die before the climate meltdown.

My flashbacks are terrible. Constant visions of me screaming in agony, and feeling the feeling of wanting to die. Desperate for death, begging for it from the ones strapping me down.

I’m really trying, all the tricks. Distraction, music, more schoolwork, writing, working, focusing on anything I can control like my house. I haven’t seen any friends for awhile. I haven’t gone out or much wanted to. I don’t think I’m depressed, I take all my meds, I stay functional. The flashbacks really get me down and I get them a lot here, in this hospital, the place where so much happened.