bipolar
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These meds work too well sometimes. Things were pretty bad on depakote, I still ended up in the hospital, but this combination of abilify with lamotrigine makes me have a very flat affect. I look like a robot. Internally I am both depressed and not depressed. Depressed enough to notice that I can’t do anything…
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I settled on a second song. Remember Black Mirror? In particular, the second episode titled 15 Million Merits. It featured a singing contest and the character in the show sang Anyone Who Knows What Love Is, by Irma Thomas. It’s old. And unsettling. Black Mirror would continue to feature the song as an easter egg…
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Mental health is a funny thing. It varies depending on culture and language. There are all these mental disorders in the Western world. I think other cultures have their own version of what poor mental health looks like. Inevitably, there is a breakdown in functioning. Here in the US, a patient may stop their meds,…
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I forgot my meds today but I’m managing. There’s so much built up in my system that maybe one day of missed meds won’t hit me as hard. Yesterday it occurred to me I don’t know when I’m next supposed to see the doctor. He prescribes them and he won’t cut me off or anything…
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I’ve been very diligent about taking my meds. They do keep me functioning. There is a lot I have to do, every day. Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed but, on the meds, it doesn’t seem so bad. And some of what I do isn’t work related, something the doctors always said was important. I’m in…
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I sort of feel like I am trying to slog through mud. I’m tired. Everything feels so heavy and difficult. It does not help that I am at work, loaded with around 25 patients because I’m the only CNA. The nurses helped out a lot with vitals but there are a lot of them, and…
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My sense of burnout is strong. I’m sick of patient care. There, I said it. I have a show coming up next week, that’s the only thing to look forward to right now. The wildfires that tore through my city left a lot of damage and heartbreak. I’m taking part in a fundraiser to benefit…
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Today – the 19th – is my birthday. I am now 41 years old. They say aging is supposed to mellow you out but I’m as high strung as I always was. Restless, sometimes hypomanic, medicated for bipolar swings, and with great skin. I don’t look my age. I look like I’m in my early…
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I have struggled with med compliance. I missed a few days. Not in a row, but it still fucked with my mood. Every time I think I can ease up, I’ll be fine, it’s no big deal…I can’t. I come crawling back, and I hate it. They’re a production in and of themselves. I could…
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Two years ago, nearly to the day, I finally got released from the mental hospital. I was very fragile but alive after a suicide attempt and violent detainment involving the police. I’ve been afraid of them ever since. They’re a rotten trigger. I spent three months in the hospital’s intensive outpatient program, or IOP, after…
