Documenting my journey through the mental health system

What a painful night. For some reason, nightmares during the day. At work I’m exhausted and surrounded by screaming patients, patients in restraints, staff who need too much from me, and haunted by memories. I’ve tried to focus on work, to distract, anything. The memories come unbidden, untriggered, and then they are exacerbated by that which surrounds me. My stubborn ass won’t let go.

I’m exhausted. I want to sleep. My mother has been exhausting me as well. She is essentially very ill and won’t do anything about it. She is smoking and drinking heavily. I have noticed I am drinking more heavily.

A few days later ~

I wrote that a few days ago and have since been late to work at VA twice in a row. I set two alarms but don’t remember them going off or otherwise waking up. Normally this would be highly upsetting to me, especially two days in a row, but I’m surprisingly unbothered. I needed the sleep. I didn’t get to bed till late as I was working on my side yard. it’s not really a yard, it’s the unpaved side of my house facing the street and I like it weed free and scraped clean. A narrow garden hugs the length of the house and I have some flowers and other plants in there and it is all cleaned up. It took me two days to pull all the weeds from along the curb and rake it up. I’m still not done – I have raked from one end of the property to the other but my yard bin is full. I have more piles of debris lined up after they’re emptied this week. I sprayed the carport and edge with roundup. I threw away the old solar lights that were in the garden and added my new ones. It looks a lot better, and I’m hoping to make everything come together in time for Saturday, when I have people over. Ceila is coming early to put together my new dining room table. There are still a few things tossed into the empty area that is my dining room but I know the table will fit.

I have to call my student coordinator and supported employment case manager in the morning. My appointment with supported employment was Friday and somehow I missed it. It just went by me. I felt supremely stupid but tried to get over it. Grad school starts in a week and I am fucking terrified. I’ve been putting off paying the tuition bill, knowing that when I do, I’m committed. I’m so scared it will be too overwhelming, too much work, too hard, and too hard on my mental health. I was in a rather manic whim when I applied, not really sure I’d actually get in, and not working a second job. But I did get in, and that second job has proved very necessary as it comes with an education benefit that will knock off half the cost of the degree. Assuming I make it through without totally crashing and burning.

That’s my other fear. I’ve been down this road before and had a bad mindset to start. I’m trying to not let that happen again. Trying to remember that this time is different. I don’t ever have to go to campus, I don’t have to meet anyone, I can finish this in a year and a half…

This time is different.