Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Every time I drive to work, I have to drive by the mental hospital. In the beginning, this was a major trigger for me and required I sit for a minute and let the panic dissipate before heading in. So many flashbacks and so much anxiety. Now I drive by and try to reframe it like Dr Black taught me. What would they think of me now? Would they be happy for me? If they could see me drive by, in my 2022 hybrid, on my way to a job I’m managing to hold down, would they see me as a success story? I completed IOP through the mental hospital too – would Dr Patel be proud?

It’s related to my attempt to be more grateful for things. If Dr Patel were to see me now and be proud of me, it would be because of my ability to hold a job, my IOP completion, and engagement in maintenance of bipolar disorder and PTSD, namely being med compliant. If the hospital were to observe me now, they would see a man who went from a suicidal zombie to functioning – working, paying bills, owning property, and about to start grad school. I had lost all functioning, but I gained it back. The cost was great, and I honestly sometimes wonder if it was worth it. But I’m here now, I can walk and have all my senses, I can work, I can think, I can remember.

The mental hospital would probably be proud of me, especially when it comes to school. I know my mental issues have often held me back in life and cost me opportunities. I had all kinds of dreams and aspirations. I used to say in despair, dreams die, and then we do too. But I’m not trying to be melodramatic. I start school again soon and while I’m terrified at the prospect and triggered by the PTSD of my last attempt, I can at least say I tried. I tried.