Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Today I get my new living room light fixture installed. My coworker has a lot of experience with stuff like this so he’s doing it for me.

Ceila invited me to her bonfire/barbecue tonight. The weather is unusually warm for the pacific northwest. As I type that, the weather just took a turn toward rain and wind. She’s gonna need extra wood.

I am feeling so much dread toward my move. Not the physical move, or the process of getting rid of so much. Living with my mother and enforcing all the boundaries I learned in a ton of IOP therapy is going to be emotionally heavy labor for me. I haven’t had to do any of her emotional labor in a year and a half. She doesn’t seem to understand a lot is going to change. Little things, like getting banned from housework. She “doesn’t like how I do it” and I have to tell her I don’t care, she’s been complaining about it for so long that now she no longer has to worry about it. She will hate it a lot when I say that because the whole goal is to weaponize the “work” she is “forced” to do all day. A lot of my dealing with my mother is removing the means to her complaints and weaponization. She also hates my house and holds particular derision for it. This makes it easier to remind her she shouldn’t care so much.

And so I dread all this, These conversations. These boundary enforcements. The inevitable passive aggression, hostility, and plain old butthurt.

I am partially looking forward to taking back my house. I want it back. My mother hates it yet will somehow take offense to my taking total control, down to the housework. It is confounding.

For now, for these last couple months, I’m enjoying my sweet downtown apartment and the entire downtown scene. I may work a great deal, but I’ve made time as Dr Black said, to go out, find a social setting, even if I am just observing, and do it for my mental health. I go to karaoke bars and sing. I take long walks, all the way to the riverfront. Riverfront Park from Expo ’74 and the Spokane River is downtown a few blocks away. I force myself to take it in while I still can. I’m really going to miss living here.

And to think, I found this apartment WHILE IN THE PSYCH WARD all because I was allowed to have my phone at the nurse station and had all the money for move in up front, sight unseen. In the VA unit, we are allowed access to our phones outside group/mealtimes and only by the nurse station. All the other mental hospitals/psych wards in which I’ve been locked up always took my phone.

After I move, I start my masters program. At least that is the plan. That is the majority of the reason for saving so much – I’ve spent most of what I’m going to spend on the house and since student loans are out, it’s take out a loan from my credit union or pay out of pocket. The program is designed as a pay as you go, so I can literally pay for a class at a time. I know the total cost is 20k, and my Sacred Heart job will reimburse me 5k a year, so I’m going to get half paid for as it is. I just need upfront cost for the first quarter, around 5k, as it happens. I think I can swing it; I took on another job for a reason. I even signed up for what I think are the first two classes but I need to talk to my student coordinator to be sure.

It is really hard to power through some of these really dark thoughts. I’m doing my damndest to stay present, focus on what I can control, all that. I see a lot in my mind, and the visions and thoughts are intrusive and hobbling.