I forced myself to engage in the DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) skill: building positive experiences – and got up early to go to a comedy show with Ceila.
I’m hammered with triggers at work. Currently my formerly catatonic patient is back in restraints for violence, and I have a patient almost identical to me in diagnosis and presentation – a psychiatric hold for bipolar manic psychosis.
I really like this new job, at least I keep telling myself that, but I see so much of myself in the patients so often. When I was in the mental hospital, I felt I had nothing in common with “these people.” Since then, and since writing my book, I’ve realized I have way more in common with them than I ever will my coworkers. They occupy a state of luxury – they can talk about patients like this from a point of detachment. They cannot relate. They are not triggered. I relate too much. I am constantly triggered.
Susan Rice was in town at the comedy club, so I bought front row tickets and dragged my friend Ceila along. Sometimes it was hard to laugh as my flat affect persists. My meds may keep me from going full manic, but the alternative is shitty too – the world is flat and grey.
That is where I am at now. I am not depressed, I don’t think. I’m not full of energy and unable to slow down. Just coming up with the next words to type here is a challenge. And to think, I am not even taking my mood stabilizer correctly. I know, I know…I will today. It is discouraging when I am already so flat. I’m supposed to pile more drugs on top of that?
Maybe I want to be a little manic. Maybe I want a little rush. Just a little taste. Oh, it feels so good, the surety, the confidence. Even when it hurts.
Just a Taste
5 responses to “Just a Taste”
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I struggle with the bipolar (or meds, I don’t know what it is, I take Seroquel) flat affect a lot, i often “want” the idea of mania just to feel something, so I feel like “myself” again.
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I take seroquel as a PRN when I’m hearing voices, really anxious, or not sleeping. I’m not sure if it’s the meds or the bipolar or both – feeling like me and the world are flat and grey is dismal and bleak.
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It really is. I hate the nothingness. It’s not something many people understand either, it’s isolating. Theres also a longing for missing the passion, love, care, you used to have. Sorry you experience this too.
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Out of every medication I have taken, Seroquel was the one I will never touch again. It not only gave me a “flat affect,” as you describe, but worsened my bipolar symptoms to the point where I thought my heart was going to give. It was devastating. I really understand your desire to be a little manic as well. There’s that creative burn, the edges of our spirit on fire.
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Documenting my journey through the mental health system 
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