Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I don’t even know what to say. My meds keep me going, that is about it. I’m trying to focus on what I can control, like IOP taught me. I like exerting control over my environment, and I’ve been preparing my house for eventual move-in. I got my room painted, two different shades of blue. Tomorrow, I meet with a window replacement company to update a bunch of my windows, including the two in my room. My paint guy will finish the trim paint and put my shelves back up. Then on Monday morning I meet with the flooring company to plan my carpet replacement – I’m going with a hard floor, laminate or tile. There are a total of seven cats in the house when I move back in. Carpet is no good.

I look forward to these things as best I can. I try to see it as a form of self-care. I always sucked at self-care. It is so hard to relax.

My family is still not doing well. My brother is trying, I think. He had a job interview yesterday he said went well. His foot is mostly healed. I had to pay part of his rent for March. He is behind about 500 dollars, and this is stressful for all of us because he absolutely cannot lose his housing. There is nowhere else for him to go. I certainly can’t take him in. There is barely room for me in my own home, something I’m trying to change.

My mother is as bitter and resentful as ever. I try to not let it get to me. I try to plow ahead, even if she’s dragged along kicking and screaming. Re-adjusting to life in my house is going to be arduous. She has been on her own the past year and a half and I have to take all that control back. On the one hand, she complains all the time about “not having any help.” On the other, she doesn’t like the way I do anything. This will be impossible for her to reconcile.

I’ll start posting my replies to the love letters I get from President Musk. I’m using ChatGPT to come up with some funny stuff, serious stuff, and then I’ll get into the gore and other things I see in this job.

Everyone checks their email right when they get to work, seeing if they still have a job. They say we’re essential and exempt from all the purging, but they also said 80,000 staff will be fired at VA. This is disastrous for veterans’ healthcare, which saw a huge expansion under Biden. I’m absolutely terrified for this. I rely on VA to stay alive, to stay functional.

I sent the book to the publisher. They are doing more proofreading, editing, and want me to figure out what I want for a cover design and typeset. I have no idea on that. I had an idea for a type of ying/yang made with faces, one side manic and one side crushed with despair. This would represent bipolar really well. I can’t draw so I only see it in my mind. I’m thinking of asking my friend Mike to design it. He’s a talented tattoo artist.

I had my three-month evaluation at my new job at Sacred Heart. I am performing well, and everyone has said I’m clearly an experienced nurse assistant. My new boss asked about my mental health too, knowing I am badly triggered by patients in restraints and patients generally going through some of the things I went through. I told her about my dissociation, that I kind of check out mentally when I have to do these things. That it’s very hard and makes me stressed and anxious and depressed. I also found out they want to promote me – it isn’t much of a promotion, but I would become a senior aide and expand my scope of practice to include blood sugars, BVI scans, EKGs, and foley removals, among other things. At the VA, since it’s federal, I already have this expanded scope. So, it would all be review here. There is a day-long class to take in April and then I would get a pay raise.

We have had a long run of so-called “social admits” – people admitted to my nephrology floor because there is just nowhere else for them to go. There are a lot of psych issues as the community bleeds from the pain of homelessness, drug addiction, loneliness, and social despair.