Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Sometimes I get so discouraged. In IOP, in work, in life, in everything. Today I felt discouraged in IOP. I have before, worried it was too much to take in at once, that I would not be able to get better at the different coping skills, that others would get better while I stagnated. I felt that again today as we continued distress tolerance and talked about the IMPROVE self soothing concept – Imagery (using pleasant internal or external imagery) Meaning (finding what drives you, higher purpose) Prayer (doesn’t have to be god, just a higher power to call on, dead relative, anyone) Relaxation (carving out time each day to relax) One thing/day at a time (staying present) Vacation (doesn’t have to be trip out of town, just small “glimmers” or positive experiences, even if only for a few minutes) and Encouragement (reduce the negative self talk – I wouldn’t talk to a friend the way I talk to myself). It is unrealistic to focus on only one or all – it is better to zero in on one or two that resonate. For me that is relaxation and taking things one day at a time. To a lesser extent, the encouragement part of the IMPROVE model also seemed like something I could work on – I have been brutally hard on myself and become distressed and agitated over the relentless self abuse. Now when it starts happening, when I ruminate over all my past failures and regrets and inability to really advance in life, I try to remind myself this isn’t helpful. That I did the best I could with what I had. That my bipolar has defined a large part of my life and how I live it. And that maybe that’s okay.

Relaxation and taking things one day at a time – one hour at a time – were two things that can go hand in hand for me. I’m still learning to relax, the pressure to stay busy is fed by my nervous restlessness and discomfort with sitting with my feelings. I’m learning to just sit with them, trying not to judge myself. That is mindfulness. Staying in the present makes taking things one day at a time easier. The future is terrifying, and the past is lamentable but gone. I’ve been living in the past a long time or at least, revisit the painful parts a lot. I have flashbacks a lot. I’m really struggling trying to let go…

What is the difference between happiness and contentment? The therapist asked. I offered: “happiness is temporary, but contentment is a state of being.”

The group liked that. I was essentially right. The therapist talked about three kinds of happiness – the pleasant life: or essentially hedonism and pleasure, the good life: engagement with life/work is challenging but not overwhelming, and the meaningful life: when satisfaction is derived from a higher purpose than oneself. That, to me, is where contentment lies. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that feeling because I’ve always been at war with myself. Sometimes there are too many wounded on the battlefield to engage in continued fighting but the war is not won and maybe there can be no winning it. This is the crux of the therapist’s message – despite highs and lows, good days and bad, we can find a sense of contentment. A deeper level of understanding and acceptance of one’s self. And there is the core of it: radical acceptance.

Popular in modern psychology, it does not mean everything is rainbows and kittens, nor does it mean everything sucks and there’s nothing you can do about it. It is related to the serenity prayer for me, written by a German theologian watching the rise of the Nazis. All we can do is take stock of what is within our control and focus on that over worrying about what we can’t control. And there is a lot. Radical acceptance offers a kind of peace over the agony of watching the world burn.

I have been more forthcoming and participatory in group. Only took two months. “If Robin Williams couldn’t make it with all his talent and all his money, what hope do I have?”

We went around the room also sharing holiday worry and plans. Cope ahead – anticipate triggers or situations that are distressing and formulate how to navigate and cope through it. Some in group were not looking forward to getting with family, or planned on spending it with friends. I made the reservations for the restaurant but my mom left town. I am more worried about Christmas – the pressure to participate and do something is strong because I don’t want my mom just sitting home alone as much as I want it to be just another day. She is miserable enough. My family is not doing well and holidays just seem to make everything worse. I will be working this Christmas but while she’s out of town I have an idea.

I’m going to set up the Christmas tree in the house. I have Nightmare Before Christmas Ornaments and a Weeping Angel from Doctor Who tree topper. I always preferred a horror themed Christmas trees. Maybe it will cheer her up when she returns by Sunday. Or she’ll hate it. It could really go either way.

My house is in decent shape. My room is still mostly empty, just a few items stored in it. Needs new paint and carpet and that will really freshen everything up. I’m trying, out of necessity and desperation, to shift my perspective on moving back. I want to see it as a good thing, to reduce my anxiety around it. It’s MY house. I want to take it back. My mother can do what she wants but enforcing boundaries is going to be a huge pain in the ass.

Besides trying to plan for and prevent major relapse and crisis, IOP was to learn and plan for having my mother live in my house. We have to find a better way to live together. I don’t know if she wants that and I’m not ready to ask. I think she is so resentful, so bitter, and so depressed that the damage is done and can’t be fixed.