Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Two years ago, nearly to the day, I finally got released from the mental hospital. I was very fragile but alive after a suicide attempt and violent detainment involving the police. I’ve been afraid of them ever since. They’re a rotten trigger.

I spent three months in the hospital’s intensive outpatient program, or IOP, after that. It was DBT-focused, dialectical behavior therapy. The VA paid for it. Good for those of us with borderline and for me, making sense of some of my manic episodes and the inevitable crash that left me disabled and hospitalized.

I’ve dealt with some mania since then but I can feel my psych meds, the Lamictal mood stabilizer, working to contain it. I take a low dose antidepressant too, the Effexor, to combat the depressive lows and at least keep me functional. I also take Abilify for psychosis symptoms, namely voices. It works. I haven’t heard voices in months. I did off and on after I got out of the hospital, I kept hearing them feeding me paranoia. I feel SIGNIFICANT paranoia these days. Especially toward the mental and medical systems in America. I may work both VA and civilian hospitals but I’m terrified of being the patient. All my experience, all my exposure, the trauma of getting strapped down in an ER… left me allergic to the whole system.

The fires are still raging. There is little containment. North Spokane is a war zone.