Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Damn near inspiring – the profound effects of my own mind at war with itself.

Jean Paul Sartre said life is an unwelcome interruption to a peaceful nonexistence. I really feel that sometimes.

No voices this time, just turmoil. I have a lot of thoughts. They’re so fast. A lot on my mind. I did settle on a song for the show next week, one of two: Part of That World, from the Little Mermaid. I happen to have the perfect outfit for it, so it’s a case of outfit first, song second. Sea green dress, red wig and everything. I’m trying to practice, trying to sing, but it’s so hard. I feel heavy and worried. And as each day goes by, I get more anxious.

Something we were taught a lot in IOP was to not forget our physical health. Eat a vegetable, go outside, drink water. I am not very good at drinking water, and I have relied too much on fast food. This week I didn’t eat out anywhere and right now I am forcing myself to drink water.

After work I’ll be running around. I go to Idaho every other week for the cheaper gas and liquor. At 2pm, I have a voice lesson with the choir director and Saturday, I have a photoshoot. I’m not photogenic so I’m hoping a real photographer can get some good shots of me in drag. I’m worried about the cost…I arranged this while feeling a little hypomanic, full of energy and excitement over the idea of regularly performing. I have 2 outfits in mind but one of them is not back from the seamstress yet. I really hope it is though because the debutante ball is Saturday night and it’s really nostalgic for me because I was a debutante. I still have my crown and dress. I don’t really know anyone who will be there except some old friends like Nova and Freedom, but it is also the social event of the season. So, I am still on the fence. Dr Black would encourage it; tell me I need this part of my life. Sometimes the thought of getting dressed up and going out is overwhelming. There is a lot I need to do at home. The cruise is in less than six weeks.