Documenting my journey through the mental health system

In July 2024, I was violently detained and hospitalized for suicide and later, completed an Intensive Outpatient mental health program as the year ended. I remember that during the program, I was quite anxious about the upcoming holidays because I was not living in my house. Every day, I wrote here and in a journal, working on the whole story that would later become a book on Amazon. I named the book after one of the titles of these many posts – In the Darkness of Hope.

That hospitalization was nearly two years ago. I mean in four months, it will have been two years. I can’t believe it!

During IOP I got offered the part time Sacred Heart medsurg position. It fit perfectly into my current full time position at the VA. This brought an end to the moonlighting I had been doing for three different agencies. So, swapping one job for another but this time, it was permanent and stable. My doctor didn’t really like it as there were a lot of triggers and could mess with my sleep if I wasn’t careful. Night shift is bad for bipolars.

I started at SH as IOP was ending. I was really fragile then. Fresh out of the hospital and struggling to absorb the therapy, I just wanted to work and work and not think about what happened. But it really bothered me. Some of the things I deal with at work reminded me of what I went through and trigger the fuck out of me. I’ve been stuck in this hospital, strapped down and drugged and unable to leave. My boss made sure I don’t ever float down to psych or psych ED. Additionally, my night shift crew quietly never let me be a sitter for patients, except to cover another’s breaks. I hate sitting. I’ve been here now for a year and a half, which is crazy to me. I still feel like the new guy sometimes, as I am only here 2-3 times a week.

Lately, performing ang singing in choirs or drag shows have taken more of my time. I need it, I just have to have it. I am requesting more and more time off from SH lately because of these new chances to sing and perform. I started to realize that maybe the end of of my time with them is coming.

But not yet. They need me, I like the money, and I am about to start some kind of practicum there for grad school. This goddamn grad program….I don’t know what I was thinking. Yes I do – I always wanted to finish my masters. I have to do an applied practice experience and it’s out of the question at the VA, that leaves SH. And I don’t even know where to begin but I talk to one of the advisors on Wednesday.