Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Today is my birthday. I’m 40 years old. I am amazed I’ve made it this far. I never would have imagined I’d make it to 40. But here I am, scarred but alive.

My mother made me a special dinner to take to work. We are trying to get along.

I’m soaking up this break from school as best I can. I’ll figure out my next set of books and start getting ahead next week.

I am impressed with my meds and their ability to keep me functional. Sometimes I have overwhelming and crushing flashbacks, all the noise and chaos very clear around me, like I go back to that time and place. I had a nightmare, woke up an hour too early from a dream in which I was locked in a room, trying to get out but trapped inside by unknown beings.

I forced myself to watch a movie, called Presence. First time I watched a movie in a long time. It took me all night, in small increments. I can focus on a paper and writing one out over hours but can’t seem to watch films like I used to. I used to watch movies voraciously. So I will attempt those coping mechanisms, I guess – movies and books.

I am also singing. I’m working on Celine Dion’s The Power of Love. It’s fun and appropriately difficult enough to make it a fun challenge. I can’t wait to debut it at a random karaoke night in the future.