Documenting my journey through the mental health system

During IOP process hour yesterday morning, I was more forthcoming about my difficulty with depersonalization and dissociation. I go back in time to painful memories, past traumas, the things that give me PTSD and sometimes keep me up at night. I’ve tried to use the coping skills I’ve learned to get through it – grounding, distraction, breathing, mindfulness, building mastery – that’s when you take charge of the environment around you through cleaning and organizing, finishing things on a to-do list, and anything else that helps you feel more in control.

Sleep is going a little better. I got a whole six hours yesterday with meds. I work my new job at Sacred Heart tonight, so I didn’t have to get up so early.

In IOP, we’re going more into detail on the inner critic. That voice in our head that always denigrates, that shadow that follows us around, reminding us we’re not worthy. Everyone has an inner critic to a degree, but some of us have one so strong and so powerful that an entire life is robbed.

Mine is trying to kill me. I’ve attempted suicide when that voice tells me to, when it says I am an inept loser and will never amount to anything in life. That it’s too late for me, that all I will do is clean shit for the next 30 years. I dwell and ruminate on all my past failures, my mistakes and regrets and lost opportunities. I despair at the belief it’s too late to try again. I’ve had to fight like hell to stay alive. I’ve lost that fight a few times, attempting suicide. I’ve covered my ears as that voice screamed into them how much of a pathetic piece of shit I was. I’ve cried in anguish, curled in the fetal position, when the voice telling me how awful I am just won’t shut up.

I told the group Monday this is the core of it, right here, this inner critic. All the reasons we’re fucked up and trying to kill ourselves starts with this inner critic, the inner voice driving the immense sense of despair and anger. This drove a lot of us to the mental hospital and is a major factor in depression and suicide. Constant negative self-talk and self-abuse will naturally result in debilitating depression and worse, suicide attempts.

The inner critic will not be shut off or excluded. It can drive us in a positive way, just as anxiety can be useful. When we need to pass that test, anxiety motivates us to study. Groundings can also reduce the suffering. I tried the 5-part grounding exercise that reorients to the present moment, though my thoughts are powerful and very difficult to fight. Dr Black would say no to fighting it, because then the voices and urges just get stronger. My urge to kill myself is always present. It’s just a matter of degree. My baseline is passive suicidal ideation. I don’t need to plan anymore or figure out how. I’ve already spent a good chunk of my life on planning my suicide and this means it’s that much easier to go through with it in times of crisis.

I am nearly finished with IOP and the baseline passive suicidal ideation is still present but instead of fighting it and being scared of it I now comfort it. I tell it it’s okay to want to die, that sometimes life is horrible. Sometimes it seems like the only option.