suicide
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Today – the 19th – is my birthday. I am now 41 years old. They say aging is supposed to mellow you out but I’m as high strung as I always was. Restless, sometimes hypomanic, medicated for bipolar swings, and with great skin. I don’t look my age. I look like I’m in my early…
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I haven’t talked to my brother, but I did send him a strongly worded text after he sent me one: “ready to talk?” He didn’t reply. Then tonight mom and I sent him a Walmart order of groceries and water. He had texted her, asking for some food. He’s so absurdly broke and I feel…
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I still hate driving by the mental hospital. I have no choice, it is right there at a nexus of roads so no matter what route I take, I have to go by it. Sometimes it’s enough to ruin my night. Or at least set me off into a tailspin of terrible thoughts and memories.…
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May 13, Wednesday, was my last show and despite my limited practice for Part of that World, I did so much better than I was anticipating! I could feel it while it was happening. Marry A’botumn, our show host (I love that drag name) had an important announcement for us too. Instead of just the…
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I had a good thought for tonight but now I am fragmented; my thoughts are multifactorial. I don’t even know where to start. Most of the time I just dive into work, this keeps me on a path. At Sacred Heart I was recently recognized for my talent at patient care. The patient died but…
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“What do you think Dr. P? Did you imagine me capable of this?” “How about you, Shirley? – you were the one who told me to take classes again.” I think about them sometimes. The staff and other patients in the hospital with me. Shirley was a nurse who dealt with my sleepwalking, gave me…
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“I’ll never speak on this again. Looks like I’m attention seeking, I know that’s what you’re all thinking.” “No, we’re not. We think you’re in great danger of hurting yourself,” Dr. P said. I sat in the turtle suit that seemed to swallow me whole. It was far too big. They took my clothes, everything…
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So sensitive to noise. Every crash and bang startles me. Reminds me of the mental hospital, all the cacophony and slamming of doors. But I’m getting through it. The meds deaden my response. I’m not cycling so hard. I have short lived mood swings, especially if I miss my meds even one day. That did…
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I am absolutely plagued with flashbacks. I pull out everything in my arsenal…distraction, meditation, medication, music, writing, reading…I can’t concentrate on a movie. I tried, but I keep losing focus. It’s driving me crazy. Work is a heavy stressor. There are a lot of politics going on, and bickering among staff, and poor management. Yet…
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I have kept crazy busy to avoid the anxiety, but the stress of a lot to do with the mental preparation of living with my mother again has my heart beating fast sometimes. I got a carload over there. Started taking stuff over, whatever can fit in my car. Going through the last of my…
Documenting my journey through the mental health system 