Documenting my journey through the mental health system

From Sunday to Tuesday, I slept two hours. This was shocking to the group in IOP on Monday. Today I finally got some real sleep but only after a couple hours of laying there, my mind going a million miles an hour. I was so tired, sleepy even, working myself to exhaustion and intentionally staying busy but then when it came down to it, I had trouble actually falling asleep. My weighted gravity blanket helps, and still makes me think of an anti-suicide blanket. Even if I can’t sleep because my brain won’t slow down, the blanket is helpful for anxiety and stress.

I could have taken medication to make sleep come faster but I honestly didn’t think I’d need it today like I usually do. I last slept Saturday night and I was so tired so was really hoping I’d pass out from exhaustion. I did manage about five hours which is pretty amazing for me, especially without any sleep meds.

Today I have IOP after work and it is the difficult and emotionally charged distress tolerance portion of DBT. Probably the portion of DBT that is going to be the most important for me. It’s best to assume I’ll have a crisis again, a relapse. I’m trying to accept that. I’ll be suicidal again, or I’ll lapse back into mania or a mixed episode. Something will happen, something may trigger me into another episode. It would be foolish to think I’m good from here, the rest of my life. I’m not trying to be defeatist, but the idea of never ending up in the mental hospital again is just unrealistic. Dr Black would see this acceptance as progress.

Those are my daily goals, a habit IOP is instilling in us each day – set a goal. Maybe more than one. For me that is radical acceptance (of at least a few things, let’s not get too crazy) and mindfulness. I have severe and distressing flashbacks and feel myself tied down and screaming all over again. Mindfulness is supposed to help me come back to the present moment. I don’t know if I’m doing it right most of the time. The therapist says as long as you’re trying to stay present, that’s all that matters. She also recommended grounding exercises when mindfulness feels difficult or we’re overwhelmed – this utilizes the five senses to bring you back down to earth. Naming a few things you can see, hear, touch, smell, and even taste to help come back to the present moment.

I have a feeling mindfulness will get even more crucial in the coming months and years.