These meds work too well sometimes. Things were pretty bad on depakote, I still ended up in the hospital, but this combination of abilify with lamotrigine makes me have a very flat affect. I look like a robot. Internally I am both depressed and not depressed. Depressed enough to notice that I can’t do anything about it. That’s cynical and defeatist. But it’s true.
The flat sense of nothingness is more depressing than you think. I can’t act on it, don’t have the energy. I was just able to get up and get ready for work and here I am. I’m going through the motions. The meds act as a strange tether toward normalcy, that stuff other people take for granted. I hold onto it surrounded by a cloud of grey.
There is a show coming up Wednesday. Singing while feeling like this is nearly impossible.
Leave a Reply