Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I haven’t talked to my brother, but I did send him a strongly worded text after he sent me one: “ready to talk?” He didn’t reply.

Then tonight mom and I sent him a Walmart order of groceries and water. He had texted her, asking for some food. He’s so absurdly broke and I feel for him on that. I’ve been there, desperately searching for work and not finding it, trying to avoid homelessness… he has food stamps, but they really don’t like giving those to able bodied men, so they cut them and I know he doesn’t have enough to survive on those alone. I’m not sure how much he gets a month on those, but it isn’t much. I spent 100 bucks tonight on a Walmart delivery order when mom showed me his text to her. I feel bad, I do, but I’m still a little upset too. This can’t go on. But I can keep it from getting worse – I pay the rent, if nothing else. Him losing housing makes everything worse for everyone. It ripples out into the community.

I’ve been living back in my house now for a year. I left it, and my mother, after a severe depressive episode and a stay in the VA psych ward toward the end of 2023. My mother and I get along a lot better now. I probably never should have left. I ran from the problems. I spent a lot of money on an apartment I didn’t need. I was able to remodel pretty extensively before moving back in.

Almost two years since my detainment. That was much worse than Dr Black forcing me into the VA psych ward for a couple weeks. The cops grabbed me and hauled me out. They strapped me down in the ER and I still have flashbacks about it. I still have constant triggers about it. Here at Sacred Heart, there are a lot of triggers. I’ve held onto this job for nearly two years though. My recent detainment was at Deaconess, not SH, or I’m not sure I could have taken the job. I told my boss some of what happened. I’ve been detained here too. That was about 12 years ago. And if a trauma that old still gives me nightmares and flashbacks, I’m not sure a 2-year-old one won’t. Distressing as they are, I’m spared a lot of the work with patients in restraints/sitting one-on-one with a patient. I might cover someone’s lunch break who is sitting but that’s the extent of it. I don’t float to psych or the psych ER. That’s literally written into the float policy. I can’t do it at the VA either.

I don’t know how much longer I can work two jobs though. I use it as an excuse, that I need it to expend energy, it’s a coping mechanism, a way to channel manic energy, etc… I also love the extra money. But it probably isn’t good for me for much longer and may be aging me faster. That terrifies me. Some things are far worse than death…. like getting old.

I have been getting plenty of time off, more than I typically earn. I’ve needed two Wednesdays off in the last month at the VA for drag shows. I sang My Immortal, about the pain of suicide, and then Colors of the Wind, from Pocahontas, at this Wednesday’s show. I only got them because we were otherwise fully staffed, but that won’t last forever. I also had to take this weekend off from SH, because it’s Pride weekend. And I am performing on the main stage at 3pm. I am quite nervous because I’m not used to singing outside. I also rehearsed my other songs so much for Wednesday’s show that My Heart Will Go On did not get any practice, and then I had choir last night before work and I haven’t studied that song at all either. So even though I’ve sung it a million times I feel guilty for not preparing more. But it’s time to take it out and dust it off anyway because I’ll sing it again on my cruise ship…

That trip is coming up fast. I got my dress back from the seamstress. I want to try it on one last time and get the corset strung right. And I will sing, in my full Rose regalia, My Heart Will Go On, at the formal night karaoke. I have other songs to sing, turns out there is karaoke every night on the ship. But I really want to do that, bring a little cosplaying flair to the ship.

First, we spend 5 days on the mainland, deep inside Alaska and galivanting around Denali and McKinley national parks. Trains, buses, and lodges all owned by Princess and all rustic. Only after all that do they put us on a clear glass train and take us to our ship. Apparently, this train ride is just epic. I’m excited for all of it. I’ve been on an Alaska cruise before but not done the land portion yet. I am overwhelmed with a million things I have to do first – finish this quarter of grad school (yeah somehow that is still happening!) clean the shit out of my house, make packing lists, meet Sam for a rundown of housesitting duties, take Eggbert in for his bath and haircut, get my rental unit filled before I leave… Now there’s a source of stress. I have three prospective tenants; two I meet today after work. At the risk of rushing a delicate process, it’s rather imperative I get a new tenant before I leave.