Documenting my journey through the mental health system

The last week of the winter I quarter. Final papers, projects, all due by the end of the week. There is literally no turn around time – winter II starts Monday. Sunday night, really. That’s when the classes appear in canvas and I get right to work. It is all accelerated and I like it that way, I want to finish this.

I always stay ahead of schedule. As much as I possibly can.

I stack the beginning of my week. Power through discussion forums, reading, papers, research. I get most of the week’s worth of work done in a few days because I have down time at my job at the VA. 12 hour shifts all through the night…after I get everyone to bed and clean everything up on the floor the way I like it, I study. There is nothing to interrupt me but patient rounds every two hours and the occasional call light. Right now, rounds don’t take long at all as we are appropriately staffed. That is not always the case.

Can’t believe I’ve made it this far, honestly. And I’m not just talking about grad school.

I’m alive…at great cost, but I’m alive. At 40 I’m feeling the weight of a wisdom I shouldn’t have yet. I still live in mild fear of medical systems and psychiatrists and I still hear voices once in awhile and I still have flashbacks and daymares and probably will for the rest of my life. I can’t say I will never relapse. But I feel better than I have in a long time. When Dr P first encountered me, I was a shell of a human, barely alive, and even begged for death. But I was medicated and stabilized and here I am…on a manic whim, applied to grad school, was accepted, and moved back to my house before the start. I spent thousands on my house over the last eight months, renovating a great deal. I am very happy with it. I am more stable than I have been in many years.

What do you think of me now, Dr P? Can you believe I made it this far?