Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I am a man who feels more stable under routine conditions: I develop routines for my day, my week, for grad school and work and I apply these routines to the smallest things like what clothes I wear or how I arrange my house.

I have always been into a routine. Or sought to develop them, even at a young age. I felt a sense of control which improved my mood which made me believe I could control much more. I can’t, but the urge to control is no less strong. And I DO feel better when things are organized, when they follow an order of events, and when routines are the same and predictable each day for each thing.

I don’t want to live the same day every day. At Sacred Heart I have a mostly new batch of patients with different problems every night, and that variety is far more tolerable than the drudgery of long term care (LTC) which is the same patients and exact same care night after night. Not only that, the care is much heavier. People are much bigger. And there is a sense of “abandon hope, all ye who enter here.” It really sucks and you burn out on it real fast. I like the variety of med surg and rehab far more. It implies hope.

But if I don’t have my exact routine for getting ready for work….then I will have a terrible night. I go through an order – I take a shower and have coffee and do chores and take my meds and everything is an order of events, up until leaving the house. I always get up 2 hours before I need to be anywhere. I always shower upon waking up, because I have a lot of curly hair and getting it wet makes it something I can manage. I’m trying to take better care of myself. I’ve been using lotion. Haha.

I’ve worked out a schedule when it comes to grad school. I do most of the work at the front of the week, powering through papers, reading, assignments, all in the first three days. This frees up the rest of the week, in which I have a weekly Idaho run (cheaper gas and liquor) and other household plans like a new front door fitting and soon…ripping out the carpet in my mom’s room. Of course I have more schoolwork to complete but it’s much easier to get as much done as soon as I can.

My weeks are structured just so. Every Friday (sometimes Saturday) I go to Idaho. Sunday night at work I start schoolwork for the week. Every other week I meet Ceila for Denny’s at 3am when I get off early for my short shift at the VA. If we don’t meet I go to the all night Mexican place and have a little alone time in the dark, where I feel most at home outside my home.

I have these routines and schedules and I like the increased feeling of power and control. It makes me feel like I’ve got my shit together more than anyone else. I started getting obsessive like this as a child in a poor household. In the Army, my attention to detail and organizational skill was exploited. Everything has its place.

I don’t know what my place is yet, but it can at least be as clean and predictable as possible. I can’t have chaos and instability or random bullshit fucking up my fragile mental health. Sticking to a routine is helpful, I can read my own mood much easier. Sometimes my nightmares are nothing more than massive fuckups in a what was a good routine.