Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I am absolutely plagued with flashbacks. I pull out everything in my arsenal…distraction, meditation, medication, music, writing, reading…I can’t concentrate on a movie. I tried, but I keep losing focus. It’s driving me crazy.

Work is a heavy stressor. There are a lot of politics going on, and bickering among staff, and poor management. Yet it’s also one of my coping mechanisms, a distraction. Something on which to focus…because my brain is being hijacked.

Thinking of calling my provider. What do I say? What can he possibly do about it? Do I just need to talk to someone? I spent a lot of time in the hospital and intensive outpatient therapy to try to rewire at least some of my brain, to rethink things. But somehow right now it’s not really working. I am trying to remind myself of a lot of things, I stay conscious of the fact I have a house and a job and will go on an epic cruise next year. I have it a lot better than so many. Having something to look forward to helps things. Despite bipolar, severe depressive disorder, PTSD, borderline…I am high functioning (most of the time). But these visions and these memories and these flashbacks are fucking up my day to day functioning. I am dissociating.

I suppose I just need time? It’s been ten years since my first detainment, a psychotic break that left me scarred and afraid. I had to put my life back together and start over and it took over a year. Last year I had my second detainment which has me still feeling rattled, disturbed, and traumatized. I’ve said before – they kept me alive, but at great cost.

But I am not suicidal or planning anything to hurt myself. I am not even hearing voices. I take my meds religiously and force myself to sleep every day at least a few hours with lots of different sleep meds. I wish these visions would stop.