Documenting my journey through the mental health system

My brain is churning with thoughts. I have an internal monologue; talking to myself but not out loud. I converse with the voices in my head silently.

I’ve finished the first quarter of grad school. Mostly – I talk to one of the teachers in the morning to get more guidance on the eportfolio. Turns out most of the class is confused. I made a nice one on the website though. Tried to personalize it and include my latest work.
I learned a lot. About how public health works in the US. It’s not all bad, but there’s a lot wrong. I could relate to a lot as a patient. The patient lens isn’t something everyone has, not to the extent I have. I have an extensive mental health history and been institutionalized. I carry baggage around, trying to let go. I’ve done IOP, twice.

Mostly I hear voices and whispers of doubt in my head. I can hear them saying things like this is a bad idea, you’re gonna end up in the hospital again. The hospital? I may break down again. I see the future sometimes. I see really bad things I don’t want to put into words.

I’m holding on though. I am truly alone in many ways, but it doesn’t really bother me at the moment. I’m under maintenance care at the VA – I see the doctor soon, where he checks on my meds and how I’m feeling. I take my meds and function. I work and do school and that is insane. I never imagined I’d be in grad school.

And it still may not work out. It might become too much. I don’t know.