Documenting my journey through the mental health system

A year ago today, the cops hauled me out of my apartment, and I was locked up in a mental hospital for a couple weeks. To this day, I still have flashbacks, a lot of anxiety around it, shame around it.

I left that apartment and have moved back into my house. Living with my mother is very difficult. She is a drunk who won’t take care of herself and blames all her problems on other people.

Grad school is my focus. I haven’t been hearing any voices. I never miss my meds. I did one day last week and felt awful. Depressed, shaking with anxiety. I’m well and thoroughly addicted to them, I guess. I can’t survive without them, my brain can’t work without them, I can’t function without them. I have a weird shame about that too. I know it’s silly, but it feels like we’re heading into dystopia and how realistic will it be to maintain these addictions?

I have the VA and so far, they’re here for me. I saw my testosterone provider last week, and Dr Black. All in one morning. My auto-injector shots of testosterone are worth a lot, and they’ve pressured my provider to switch back to the cheaper vial option, but she is refusing. I am relieved; the auto-injector is so much easier, more painless. However, my levels are still too high. Instead of 75 every week, I’m going down to 50. After a month or so of that, I get new labs drawn and hopefully will be more even. Too much testosterone too long and there are all kinds of health risks, like stroke.

I saw Dr Black the same morning. We talked about my year since the violent detainment and how things are since living back at home. It’s not easy sometimes… my mother is very difficult. I went through so much therapy to bolster my boundaries and my psyche. She says I can start another “episode of care” if it comes to a point where I need the extra help. For now, I think I am okay. It was nice to check in with her and vent a little bit. To talk about how worried I am about this grad school adventure. Worried about all the work I am doing and taking care of my house as best I can. I worry about my mom too but I have no control over her.

I work two nights this week, then have till August 3 off. I’m spending a couple days in Idaho to see my brother and his family and get mom out of the house. I’m not sure how I will squeeze in my grad schoolwork, but I’m planning on doing a lot of the week’s worth of work early, before I leave Tuesday. I’ll bring my computer and work at night while she’s asleep. I don’t know, I’ll figure something out.