Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Slowly but surely, I’m slogging through my own book one last time for all the errors. I’m truthfully a little irritated my publisher missed so many. I think he ran it through some software or something. The errors are systematic, and my military discharge date is wrong. In short, there will be a second edition.

I’m listening to a lot of music. Haven’t been reading or writing as much. Or watching movies. There is the new Final Destination movie I really want to go see. I don’t like dark crowded theaters but I might go for that.

My music encompasses a lot of themes of mental illness. Specifically, many songs speak to me through the lens of my bipolar experience.

Bipolar playlist:
Something Better – The Broken View
Welcome to the Machine – Pink Floyd
Madness – Muse
Comfortably Numb – Pink Floyd
Hey You – Pink Floyd
Honest Mistake – The Bravery

I absolutely love Pink Floyd. Was raised on them. Something Better by the Broken View, however, is probably my all time favorite song, and I have a lot of favorite songs. I sing it, and have practiced it so much that now, I actually sound pretty good. It is a very difficult song to sing. But while I have technical prowess, I lack expression.

There is so much on my mind. And I am flat with little emotional fluctuation, which I suppose is a good thing but it feels like depression after awhile. I lose emotional expression and inability to feel at all. I know it’s the meds, mostly. I hardly sleep. I take all my sleep meds but they don’t work as well. I’ll probably take ativan after work today to force it.

I’m hoping to start moving things to my house by this weekend or next. I just have to move one more thing out of my closet. That “one more thing” is my grandmother’s chest with a lot of her things in it. It’s my mother’s and getting her to help me move it to her shed is going to be arduous. Everything is a fucking production.

I must, deep down, believe in some kind of family loyalty. Like we’re the fucking Tudors or something. But I will not abandon her. She thinks I think horrible things about her. I didn’t, but she makes it very hard to avoid thinking those things. She’s very hard to like, and it is going to be very hard to live with her.