Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I am about to take my meds.

For days I have been neither depressed nor happy. I am going through the motions, doing the things I need to do. I have to talk to people sometimes. I take care of the patients. I had a specialist look at my floor. The bright blues I painted my room stand in stark contrast to the grey blanketing my brain.

It’s the meds. I take them to avoid mania, depression, and they quiet the voices, most of the time. My friends will ask what’s wrong? You seem out of it. You take your meds? Yes, I take the meds. I’ve even been very good about remembering the nighttime dose of Lamictal, probably the most important of the psych meds I take. Also probably the one making me feel so blank and flat and emotionless.

I don’t like when these feelings, or lack of them, last for long.

I’m distracting myself and staying busy as possible. No asbestos in the floor. The hardwood specialist said my floor can totally be restored, so I’m going with that and will have to call Lowes to get my money back for their laminate. Then I have to schedule the job but I’m still waiting on the estimate. I have no idea what the cost could possibly be on hardwood restoration.

I write and listen to music. I am normally big into film, but I cannot seem to sit still for a movie or show. Nor do I feel like it. I never feel like it. I took last night off work at the VA so I could go to my “senior CNA” class today at Sacred Heart. They want to give me more stuff to do. At the VA I already do these expanded scope duties like bladder scans, foley removals, and blood sugar checks but at Sacred Heart I was more restricted. Till now. They gave me a senior CNA badge to wear with my name badge, and there’s a pay raise but I don’t know how much. So now my scope is expanded at both hospitals in which I’m working. I know there are at least ten glucometers on my unit at Sacred Heart, just doing the controls on all of those will take at least ten minutes. I only have to worry about two of them at VA.

The class was easy for me because it was all review except for removing an IV. I can remove peripheral IV lines now, as long as they’re not connected to a central line. This stuff is so easy that I’m often surprised an RN is a whole ass degree. (And I was never interested). Their BVI machine for bladder scanning is different than the one at the VA but I was able to figure it out in real time while I demonstrated the competency.

Why is it so many knowledge based things come so easy to me yet I can hardly regulate my emotions? Why is that so hard?

For now I am emotionless and flat and my mind is actually quiet and I’m not hearing voices.