Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Is this what normal feels like?

I know, I know, a problematic term. Who is really normal? I get it. But you know what I mean. We know what normal looks like. People who function, are rational, don’t hear voices, don’t try to kill themselves. When well-adjusted people go through life, they tend to finish what they start and have normal motivation levels. Functioning, well-adjusted, decently motivated. That’s normal.

We have a picture in our head of what normal is and looks like. Am I normal?

I’ve written in the past about bipolar, PTSD, and borderline shaping my life. How it’s very difficult to relate to others without it, and difficult to not see my life through that lens. I don’t want to be one of those people who carries it around for all to see but I can’t help but feel this will define and shape me for the rest of my life.

I am high functioning now. I haven’t always been. I’ve been suicidal, had delusions of persecution and severe paranoia, heard voices, and had manic delusions of grandeur. Sometimes I still hear voices and whispering, crackling, buzzing, and humming. I’m still adapting to living with voices and random noises in my head. Sometimes it’s just annoying, but other times it’s very distressing. There have been times I can’t go to work because they are so loud and aggravating.

I work, I’m accepted and plan to start grad school, I have a small social life, I pay my bills, and I even run a rental property. Am I normal?

This is probably the highest functioning I’ve ever been. There have been times in the past I functioned well and got a lot done but I was also manic and would later crash and burn. I am pushing 40 and for the first time in my life I’m more stable than I’ve been in probably years.

Some of it is medication. I’m on a good cocktail of mood stabilizer, anti-psychotic, and anti-depressant. I have a pharmacy’s worth of PRNs and as needed medications for sleep, anxiety, EPS, etc. I’m better now than I’ve ever been in the past with med compliance. I’ve learned to reframe it in my head – no use raw dogging reality, life is hard enough as it is. Those meds are my lifeline to normalcy and clear thinking.

Am I normal?