Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I sang last night and heard a new song I want to learn. It’s challenging with a wide range, and I already know I can do it. The song is Love on the Brain by Rihanna. Normally not my style, but it’s soulful and catchy. A love song and I have never felt love. I can’t feel it.

This, after years of thinking about it, is likely mostly due to my rigid emotional walls as a part of borderline. I’ve never let anyone “in,” and I’ve never felt attraction toward another. I’m completely aromantic. I’ve never been interested in a relationship, and I’ve never had one. This strikes a lot of people as very odd. But I can’t help it. I can’t help that I feel nothing.

I wouldn’t know what to do in a relationship. I don’t like the sappy, corny aspects associated with romantic relationships – holding hands, kissing, exchanging each other’s breath. Gross. I can’t even imagine sharing my bed with someone.

I like being single. I like being completely untethered to anyone. Totally free. There’s a time factor too. Working 60 hours a week, having a dependent mother, cats to look after, two properties to maintain, grad school starting soon…I don’t have time for all that. I use my little bit of free time to be alone and sometimes, hang out with friends. I’m certainly not out looking for more people. I don’t want to get close to anyone else. I have enough people in my life. Emotional labor is expensive.

Some really desire relationships; they seem afraid to be alone. I’ve known people like that, always scouring dating apps and desperately trying to avoid loneliness. Or just afraid to be alone in general. But I value solitude. There’s a big difference between that and loneliness, and I recognize that. I don’t have to be lonely if I don’t want to, there are still people in my life. I think I have a much higher tolerance for solitude than most.

The HALT skill in DBT addresses loneliness as a possible cause of our distress. Are you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Often, it’s one of these four things that is at the core of our more distressing feelings. I use this often. I get distressing feelings often. I will use food as a distraction, something else for the senses to do. I use my PRNs to force myself to get some better rest. The anger comes and goes. I used to be quite an angry man and quick to anger but after a ton of therapy and simply getting older, I’ve relaxed a lot. I still have a temper, but I am a lot better at the emotional regulation of rising anger.

Loneliness is harder to fight. I have people, a small support network, but I’ve always hated the idea I’m bothering people. I refuse to be needy, and I never want to come across as needy. I don’t want to be that friend.

You can be surrounded by people and still be lonely. I’ve been through periods of profound loneliness and felt like I was on a deserted island. It’s driven me to suicide, for how alone I felt, and how I believed no one would notice when I was gone. I am not nearly so lonely as I was then, but it shows the power of the social environment in issues related to mental illness and addiction. Humans need connection to survive. Even mice and rats – we have to experiments and data to prove it.

I think I get enough of this “connection.” I’m not sure sometimes. I really don’t like to bother people.