Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Well, it’s done. I got the sex change form notarized, filled out the mail order form, made a money order for 25 bucks, made a copy of my name change document from 2008, and mailed it all to the department of health statistics.

I should be grateful I’m even able to do this under current state law. Not all states allow it, some have gone out of their way to make specific rules against it. I never wanted to need to do it. It was the last piece of my former self and I held it in a sort of nostalgic light. But I have to do it now, to make whatever protections I can for myself. Hopefully I followed the directions correctly and did everything right. I have no idea what’s going to happen but it seems like things get worse every day. I’m stressed about my employee records, I can’t recall what they say, if I had to say I was female because of the selective service requirement or something like that. There’s a strong possibility that’s exactly what happened and I don’t know how to fix it or if it’s too late. It was never supposed to matter! No one can get into their personnel file right now. President Musk is calling the shots on everything and apparently, the Gaza strip is just beachfront property to billionaires now.

My mom won’t be the one to apologize after a fight, so I’ll have to do it. There’s enough already going wrong, I don’t need this on top of everything else. I have to get my house prepared, I have to move on. My mom doesn’t want to, I don’t think, and I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t know how I’m going to live under the same roof as her. I left last time things got ridiculous and bad, but I can’t just run every time. Eventually she will die and as cold as that sounds, it’s better the years leading up to that are spent with me close at hand.

I heard from Rylee the therapist. She says my fear is valid and there are a lot of scary things happening outside our control right now. She knows I am a trans man and she says she is in my corner. She also recommended I call Dr Black.

I know it is just about time to call her for a check in. I can feel the anxiety creeping higher, my temper increasing, my disorganized thoughts make me stressed and I have a harder time thinking straight. I was late paying a bill this month. I take my sleep meds and still struggle to stay asleep, dreams of dystopian urban cities and radioactive sunsets and straight up decay play a lot in my head. I dream of things I’ve been through, and I dream of things I fear will happen. I am very good at imagining, and dreaming, the worst possible thing and believing it to be true.