Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I have had to sit with a lot of discomfort for the last few days. It’s forced me to think a lot about the DBT skills I’m supposed to use in response to these painful feelings – distraction, HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) build mastery, and just plain sitting with the shitty feelings. I also play a lot of music. Film used to be a huge coping skill for me, and I love movies…I just can’t seem to sit and focus on one.

I am worried and depressed and anxious. Maybe I had too many days off work – I took a week off, hoping to reset and read and maybe even watch that movie – and at first I did well. I took walks, I kept busy, I went to a new bookstore down the street, I cooked, I conserved my eggs…

Maybe I am just anxious about going back to work. It’s dynamic, I have to stay on my feet and always anticipate the next move, and it’s a big distraction from a lot of the pain I carry around. Taking a whole week off, largely in solitude, pushed a lot of anxiety into focus.

But I haven’t felt lonely. I wanted to spend some time alone, after spending so much time with people. I have even been cooking – nothing crazy, just noodles and grilled cheese with lots of toppings like tomatoes and arugula…I got really into food this week, and didn’t eat out at all. Eating out is a huge weakness of mine, as I often lack the time and motivation to cook.

There’s a discount grocery store with all kinds of unique items. I plan on going there after work tomorrow. They have an imported mango juice I LOVE.

Maybe it is the music I am listening to – Pink Floyd and their darker tracks like High Hopes and Shine on You Crazy Diamond and Welcome to the Machine. I think the song High Hopes has some of the most beautiful chord progressions ever written but it’s painfully powerful, and I feel music very intensely. There is no English word for that, the chills we get from a profound piece of music.

I am tired, I know that. It’s too soon to go to bed to get a nap before work but I slept very poorly last two nights. I neglected to take my sleeping medication, wanting to see how I would do without it and if I could take some days off of it so when I take them again they might work better. I switch my days and nights today – today becomes night.

I stress out about my house and getting it ready. My room is full of crap I need to go through before the painter comes end of February. I need to make the appointment for carpet replacement and THAT is going to be hell, getting my mother to cooperate. Other stuff is more fun like my new light fixtures and replacing furniture. I keep telling myself I have till June, that is when my apartment lease is up…but time is moving quickly and there is something else that has come up that has also dominated my thoughts as I mull it over. I’m not speaking about that till I’ve organized my thoughts on it better. But it is big, and I would have a lot of work to do on myself and my mental health yet to come.