Documenting my journey through the mental health system

A bittersweet day. I finished my episode of care with Dr Black and after that, went to my last day of IOP, where I graduated silently.

I have all kinds of mixed emotions. At least I am feeling again, at least somewhat. I feel a nervous sense of trepidation, like a kid learning to ride a bike without the training wheels, or a ship unmoored from its dock and facing a vast ocean. I am on my own.

Over the summer I suffered a severe mental health crisis and was brought to the hospital by police, restrained for trying to run, and subsequently detained in a psychiatric hospital. I have spent a huge amount of time since then in a long recovery toward some sense of stability and normalcy through weekly therapy and DBT processing with Dr Black as well as three times weekly intensive outpatient – IOP. I’ve had a lot of medication changes but I seem to have found a good cocktail, even if I am sometimes flat and blank. I’ve spent a lot of time in IOP identifying triggers and learning coping skills. I’ve put monumental effort toward the process of changing my perspective, reworking neural networks, and chilling the fuck out.

I told Dr. Black about the patient I had, who was put in restraints and I just had to work with him because who else will do it? What am I supposed to say? I told her I dissociated to get through it, my mind just went away and I went through my motions and did what I had to do.

“But you did it.” Dr. Black stated. She had encouraged exposure. “If you can learn it’s for safety, if you can internalize that, this can become a much less severe trigger for you.”

I told her the reasonable accommodation request for a work restriction seemed ridiculous now. And she pointed out it would mean telling a lot more people. Everyone would have questions. Maybe there is a compromise – if at all possible, if there are any other staff, let them have those patients.

It’s maybe worth a shot. Exposure is great and all but I don’t want to jump into the North Atlantic just because I’m learning to swim. I like the new job, after all. It is in many ways a lot more interesting than my VA rehab job. I need to talk to my unit manager again about everything that happened. I want a debrief.

I went to IOP for the last time after my appointment with Dr Black. A bittersweet feeling. I failed to make any meaningful relationships or friendships but I received a very thorough course in the mechanics of dialectical behavior therapy and have been learning to apply its concepts and coping skills. I was overwhelmed and defeated at first, feeling as if I couldn’t keep up or properly learn everything. But I made a whole book of DBT material with everything I was given by the therapist. I made notes. I kept a journal, I wrote a blog, I processed with a psychologist. I have done all I can to prepare me for this day.

I am on my own now but not abandoned. I am nervous but relieved. Dr Black expects me to call sometimes in the next two to four months for a maintenance and check in appointment. See how I’m doing, see if the therapy “took,” see if I need any additional help. Right now I don’t look too far ahead to the future. I’ve got a few small goals, a small but loyal support system, and only the present moment.

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content. – Helen Keller