Documenting my journey through the mental health system

On Friday morning last week, I finally had to demonstrate my competency so they could check me off and fill the hospital and legal requirement to be competent in quick release knots for restraints.

I had a couple days to mentally prepare. I came to the office of the unit manager, and there she was, in addition to the competency coordinator. Thankfully it wasn’t the violent locking restraints I’ve been wrestled into several times in life; it was the soft restraints, designed to keep a patient from pulling out their lines and tubes and drains. This is a little different and the most likely type of restraint seen in my unit.

I breathed deeply, trying to remember the skills I have learned, especially cope ahead and finding little positive things around me or in the day to help offset horribly negative feelings in the lead up to this shitty requirement. Things that are the opposite of triggers, the so-called “little things,” like my coffee before work and my cat and basking in my apartment. Tried to keep a positive mood going. I did the knot and quick release. It was over.

I forgot to mention it to Dr Black this morning. She had encouraged a little exposure, thought it might help with the severe panic and anxiety around it. We mostly talked about validation as an approach with my mom when she gets particularly passive aggressive and waxes poetic on how miserable she is. That validation is not the same as agreeing with the person. We agreed I was caught between a rock and a hard place. She’s bad for my mental health but there is not much I can do. I moved out, similar to running away as a teenager. I am all she has.

Today in IOP, interestingly enough, we discussed validation as well. I even blurted it in class – “this is what my psychologist and I discussed this morning.” We practiced in class by coming up with issues, problems, and talking about it to the person next to us who then had to practice the three steps toward better communication – mirroring, or paraphrasing the issue back to them for confirmation you got it right; validation, or acknowledging the person’s feeling about the situation, not the facts; and empathy, or feeling and expressing sympathy for the unfortunate feelings about the situation. We were all overthinking it too. But it’s easier to dumb it down a little and remember there is a lot of overlap between validation and empathy.

I finish IOP next Monday, a week from today. It is time for it to wrap back around again, to my very first day and the DEAR MAN skill of interpersonal relations in DBT.

I got a gift for two of my brothers, my nephews, a couple for my mom, and my sister in law. I used that shopping app Temu – a site similar to Wish but of much higher quality and sometimes higher prices. Holidays are stressful and aggravating for me. I don’t mean to be a drag about it, I’d just rather not participate at all. I am working on through this year, and will take New Year’s Eve off for the 1920s themed ball with Ceila. Bought the tickets earlier tonight and got a large veterans discount. As far as anyone else is concerned, I’m working that night. I imagine this is the only thing I have to look forward to for awhile.