Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I had a couple days off, but my weekend was rough. I started getting a headache Friday afternoon which morphed into a migraine later. I took Advil and Ativan, knowing it was probably from lack of sleep – I had worked the night before and had not been to bed yet. I always puke when a migraine comes on so I was hoping I would pass out before the nausea and vomiting started. I did not. I barely made it to the toilet in time, puking with tremendous force. I know that’s a graphic load of personal information but I was pissed because this was one of my nights off.

I did pass out after that, a broken sleep with haunted dreams and stubborn memories. I woke early Saturday and just felt stressed and depressed. Depressed of the memories, the shitty dreams, the flashbacks. Depressed about moving back into my home, having to live with my mother. Stressed at the daunting tasks ahead involved with getting it ready. Is there even room for me? I have to make it. I have to take back my house. I want to, I just don’t want her.

I managed a shower after some coffee. This took so much energy. I felt so sluggish. I realized I had forgotten my meds the day before. Then I had taken an Ativan later with the advil. I was probably sluggish from that. I had to use my new coping skills – opposite action, build mastery. I didn’t really want to shower or get up, I wanted to sleep. I forced myself into the shower and took a long hot one. Build mastery – I ordered groceries to be delivered and started wrapping a few gifts I got my brothers, my nephews, as well as Ceila and Shelly. I don’t like wrapping, normally. I had put it off a few days so when I was done I felt great relief. I kept going with mood momentum – I felt better about accomplishing that so I kept organizing, knowing I’d need to really downsize when I got back home. I cleaned up my whole place and have another bag of stuff for goodwill. I did not feel like reading or writing, so I watched some movies I’ve had on my watchlist for some time – Meet the Feebles, and I rewatched Terrifier 3. Meet the Feebles is like if Sesame Street were an absolute nightmare, and was directed by Peter Jackson back in 1989.

I spent the day alone. I’m not supposed to isolate but I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. I was haunted by memories, the dreams I’d had the night before. I didn’t want to burden anyone with that. Sometimes I just sit alone and get lost in the sauce, remembering, going back in time. Those coping skills – grounding/mindfulness, holding ice in your hand, vigorous exercise – are harder to engage unless you use them when you don’t need them. And that is what’s hard for me. Some skills I’ve gotten good at using – like opposite to emotion/action, distraction, breathing, check the facts, HALT, build mastery, and mood momentum. Sometimes they all fly out of my head and I’m left blank and frustrated, feeling utterly lousy.

I believe I am nearly finished with IOP. I will probably meet with Riley the therapist after IOP today and plan my graduation. There is the in-person graduation, where everyone goes around the room and congratulates you and tells you nice things? Riley says “giving you all the love!” Then there is the silent graduation. One day it is your last day and no one is the wiser. You stop coming and at the next group, she will let the class know you graduated. I imagine this is the one I will opt for. I am not good at taking compliments and I felt awkward at past graduations I had seen in class, imagining myself in that situation and trying to gauge if I’d like that or not. I don’t think I would. I’m not sure. I’m definitely leaning toward silent graduation. I never really got to know the group members very deeply. I was generally reserved for the duration of my time in IOP. I was engaged in the learning, not really the people. Quite often, I was very judgmental. It is one of my flaws – I tend to be harshly critical, at least toward certain people. I wasn’t like that toward Riley, for instance. But I felt that way strongly toward some of the people in the group. I have thought mean and terrible thoughts. I’m not sure where it came from, probably my own harsh internal critic we just got done talking about, and still are talking about. The core of it all. The thing trying to kill me, the inner voice, Jack sometimes barging into my head and demanding it.

When I am done, I start to see Dr Black less often as well. Eventually we’ll work it down to monthly and then a few times a year to check in and see how I am maintaining.

I am hoping this stability lasts. It has been a long time since I felt this strong. Even on bad days, I am managing, and that is huge.