Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I can hardly believe it, but I am nearly half completed with IOP. That comes with a lot of feelings – I’m worried I have not learned and properly incorporated the material enough or as well as the others, and I’m scared at the thought of being cut loose. I have to do this, I sacrifice sleep for this, it is a lifeline. I really hope I get some confidence quick because I’m daunted at the thought of being ready for “graduation.”

I saw Dr Black, and she said these words: “I have to be transparent with you, you are more elevated now than in our three sessions before this.” I always tense up when someone says, “I have to be transparent with you/I’m going to be transparent with you.” That’s exactly what the nurse said right before she forced me to wear an anti-suicide smock, then drugged me for agitation, just three months ago in the mental hospital.

It’s true though. I may have slept a whopping eight hours last night with the assistance of a lot of sleep meds, but I am bubbling over with energy. Dr Black asked me something, I went on a tangent, and didn’t remember her original question and she said I was having awful concentration. That is true too. I’ve since taken a PRN upon returning home from IOP because I couldn’t sit still the whole time. Even my writing is tangential, all over the place. Dr Black watched me as I talked and talked about my attempts to use these DBT skills, forcing myself to do things I don’t feel like but they’re good for me, etc. I had people over Saturday night, and everyone came. George brought a work friend; Mike brought his girlfriend. They brought more drinks, food, Ceila brought Cannabis and fancy vodka. We ordered pizza from Bennedito’s, best in town, and as the night wore on, I was having fun. I am funny when I get manic and I decided we should all go to the club, and we did. I wore my skeleton outfit. There were some amazing costumes there that night, including Silent Hill, Powerpuff Girls and Chucky. George (my youngest brother) has learned he loves club dancing; he is strongly partial to the bass inherent in any club music. So we wore off our liquor dancing and on the way home witnessed a terrible car wreck. Both parties were drunk but one clearly ran a red light, absolutely shredding the other guy’s little red corvette. George ran over to help but got punched in the face for it – I think corvette guy was just confused in the moment. George punched him back.

I said all this and more to Dr Black and she just sat and watched me. We had to cut our hour a little short for something she had to attend to but I was okay with that, it gave me some time to burn off energy so I could sit in IOP for three hours, so I went back home and got some cannabis oil at the pot shop next door to my apartment building, had some of that, and walked around for awhile. I felt better in IOP, but the thing is, I didn’t, and still don’t, feel bad exactly. Just amped. Worried about a lot of things and my mind is racing and I can’t sit still but it doesn’t feel bad. That’s just not the right word for it. I should eat something.

HALT – Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? – DBT skill for assessing the moment and proceeding more mindfully. This sums up a lot of how any of us are feeling at any given time.

I am hungry but have little appetite. I last ate Saturday night, pizza and the hummus JP brought. I love food and have no issues with picky eating, but I think my meds fuck with my appetite. I used to take a medication for appetite stimulation that is also an anti-depressant, but it gave me terrible RLS, and I can’t handle that.

My anger issues are not what they once were. I am older now; I have made progress in the art of chilling the fuck out. Now I deal with intense rushes of adrenaline, my heart skipping beats, electricity running up and down my spine, in more manic states. In depressive ones I am irritable, lashing out, aggressive. But still a long way from my 20s, smashing objects and screaming. My testosterone levels are still unusually high but much more even than they used to be. Now I have a high libido and Dr Black actually sent condoms to my apartment.

She seems concerned but I am not so concerned. I can’t be, I have to just ride this wave. There is little I can do except try to do what the group therapist said and practice the DBT skills we’ve been learning. I force myself to try the thought stopping when I’m drowning in flashbacks and memories, I force myself to do things I don’t want to do for the sake of trying to feel a little better, I make myself think of what I will do when it gets hard – that was today’s skill/lesson, Cope Ahead.

All I had to do was think of all the regretful ways I’ve behaved, both on and off meds, in and out of the hospitals, to make a Cope Ahead plan. How I will behave differently in light of all I learned. What stood out in retrospect was my unprofessional work behavior over the years. I will work my ass off, but I am too rough around the edges so with supported employment I’ve tried so hard to polish up. I see my case manager in a couple weeks and that’s what I’m working on with him now. I have to plan in advance the bad shit that can happen and determine how I will behave differently. This was really hard to do today, and I picked low hanging fruit besides. Dealing with my mother is another good one around which to plan because she triggers all my frustration, anxiety, and anger. Soon I will have to go back. And that is the biggest anxiety of all, right now in my life. I have concrete plans around it, I’m trying to frame it as I’m taking back my house, and I do want to do that, I just don’t want to deal with her shit, and I will have to because no one else is going to do it.

I took a week off work, but it was planned in advance. I picked up two per diems Friday and Saturday, so I have all the nights till then to sleep and try and mellow out. Too much mania and I can’t work. I have to try to create some kind of structure. I do stupid shit with too much time and energy on my hands. The last thing Dr Black said to me on my way out the door was to be mindful of my impulsivity, strong in states like this. So, I’m going to do really boring things on purpose like cleaning my apartment and reading a book and writing some more. I will eat some of the leftover food all my friends brought over Saturday. I’ve taken one PRN, but I might do another later and try for a short nap. That’s what boring people do, right? Am I doing this right??