Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Opposite of emotion – when feeling distressing emotions, practice a behavior that is opposite to that emotion or feeling. When depressed, force yourself to distract, go for a walk, listen to music, talk to someone (damn near impossible for me but I’m working on it).

That was today’s IOP DBT skill. I felt overwhelmed in class today. The therapist said at the beginning: “the nursing students will be in a different group today. So today we’ll start with process hour…”

And I did share when it was my turn. Mostly I stuck to my check in paper – anxiety, depression, anger, panic, meds, goals, coping skills used, etc. – and did not open up much more. I have opened up a bit, but it is hard enough to do it with a doctor or therapist, let alone a while group of people. I admitted last week I heard voices, and one girl thanked me in front of everyone for that. I kind of want to talk about my overwhelmed feelings but I choke up. I feel embarrassed and like I need to be private. I am terrified of being vulnerable.

Despite my crazy, I find myself quite judgy of others in the group, even the therapist. She has a lilty, gentle voice that reminds me a little of how they tried talking to me while I was in restraints. As far as the patients go, I’m in no position to judge, but I do.

I said my goal was to do some laundry and cleaning. So far, I am sticking to it and will switch it to the dryer soon. I want to mop my kitchen floor; I am working up to it. I sang a few songs.

I have lots do to in regard to the onboarding for the new part time job I am going to take on; that is normal with hospital/patient facing jobs. A couple friends and Dr Black are concerned about it, working essentially 64 hours a week, but I am not too worried. If anything, I have too much energy. I fidgeted all 3 hours in IOP today. During break, I used my vape like an oxygen mask. Doing this new job 3 nights a week will help me sleep, help me with tiredness. This might be kind of a fucked up way to go about it but I took a lot of sleep meds yesterday, including Ativan and I barely slept five hours while waking up once, and waking up again too early.

I agreed to pick up my brother when he gets off in the middle of the night tonight. I can’t help him Monday through Wednesday nights because I’m at work but I do the rest of the time. His walk on nights I’m at work is six miles so I feel bad. The bus simply doesn’t run that late. But I have a second car – a ’95 Mercedes E320. It was very well cared for by the guy I bought it from, and my brother is buying it from me. It just needs a jump, many of its parts are replaced with new ones. Tomorrow, we’re moving it to my brother’s house.

Thought stop, opposite to emotion, music, writing, singing, zoom out…I’m trying. Not much faith in myself, but I’m trying.

Singing is very therapeutic, and I didn’t think I’d be able to do it today, but I have.