Documenting my journey through the mental health system

This weekend marks the close of the Winter I quarter. Monday begins Winter II, and an official halfway point towards this master’s degree. There is Spring 1 after that, and the last time I will have two classes at a time. I will have only one per quarter starting Spring II. I will be finished by Halloween, but that feels sooo far away right now. And after that?

No idea. It’s uncharted territory, a future that wasn’t supposed to happen, but is. I wasn’t supposed to be alive, but am. My 40s. And I worry about relapse; I worry about what I will use to keep me going. I’ve really struggled with finding the reasons to stay alive. Existential despair is a familiar emotion and state of being. That and lack of structure, and lack of anything to look forward to often drive me to the brink. Half the battle right now is not missing my meds. I’ve struggled with med compliance in the past. I’ve become convinced I don’t need them anymore, and the end result was a disastrous mess. I don’t think I will do that again; I worked really hard to learn about my illness and learn precisely how these drugs work. I’m sure I’ll have the liver of an alcoholic, but I think I know just how important they are regardless.

After the mental hospital, I planned my life out a little bit, thought about goals, and in therapy I learned that without something to push me forward, I deteriorate. This is why the Army was so good for me and why I still sometimes miss it. I need discipline and structure. So, in IOP (intensive outpatient) I thought about what Shirley had said – that I shouldn’t give up so quickly on school. That I could consider a class at a time, that a lot of people do, and that it wasn’t too late for me. That’s the flawed thinking part. My mood grew more elevated after the hospital, on new meds, and starting my new and extremely triggering Sacred Heart job. I made the plans to move back home and on that pleasant hypomanic whim, applied to grad school.

I’ve spent 10,000 so far but been reimbursed for half that by the tuition assistance program at work. No loans, no nonsense. I applied to the university’s scholarship fund. I got one once before as an undergrad. Every little bit helps.

By the end of next March, I have to have the cruise paid off or they cancel me. It is a $10,000 cruise and I am so fucking stoked. We bought premiere, top of the line tickets that come with everything, even the fancy restaurants. It’s part land, part sea tour – 4 days on land, a week at sea. I thought I would have to take summer quarter off because there was no way I was going to cancel this cruise. But it’s June 23 to July 4. That is right in between spring and summer quarter. When I get back is when I have to start.

That cruise is what I am looking forward to the most.