Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I don’t feel very good and I feel bad for feeling bad.

I’m thinking a lot about my psych meds. The first group I had to attend my very first morning in the mental hospital last year was about “making the most of your psychiatric medications.” How to take them every day without fail no matter what. That was the gist of it, really.

I’ve struggled with med compliance. I’m one of those bipolar idiots who thought “I feel better now, I don’t need these anymore” and stopped taking the mood stabilizer and got seriously manic, hearing voices, delusions, and believing I could cure myself. I still hold some delusional thought, delusions of grandeur…the difference is this time I am at least aware of it. I’m aware it’s probably just my fancy thinking that has me believing in my superior abilities. And it may or may not be delusional that, at death, I believe I’ll pass into subsequent dimensions until I reach the singularity at number 10. And it might or might not be fanciful that I’m convinced I am meant to go through each dimension in order until I reach that singularity – not everyone will. But I will.

Each one distorts and dilates time. A few days in the fourth dimension is thousands of years to us. I’ve seen my father there. Distorted, fuzzy, disjointed and blurry. Because I’m not supposed to see, and he can’t look back.

I’ve written about all this before. A lot of what I write about is redundant at this point. My alleged bipolar delusions and strange thinking, the medications I take to stay functional, my fucked up family, my negativistic outlook, my stubborn and frequent deathwish.

I didn’t become aware of some of my weird thinking till the last year or so. Even though 10 years ago I was hearing voices, paranoid about being subject to human experimentation, and convinced I was going to be medically tortured. I didn’t realize that had such a profound impact on me. I’m still dealing with paranoia and mistrust toward the medical system, especially anything outside a few very specific providers I trust at the VA.

Yes, I still need to call my doctor.