Documenting my journey through the mental health system

This is so fucked up. The flashbacks won’t stop. Even in my dreams. Surreal nightmares of being locked up, tied down, and screaming in fear and despair.

I am spared the horrible task of sitting with a suicidal patient tonight. I am often spared because some of my coworkers know my history. I can’t even float to psych or the psych ED.

I called the mental health clinic at the VA and got my appointment rescheduled for December. He is very booked up and I have limited time in the week. I don’t mind it’s so far out, I am more stable than I have been in a great long while. I can always call and be seen sooner if I really need to. If these flashbacks and daymares and nightmares don’t settle down and leave me in peace, I don’t know what I’ll do. It is getting hard to function. To focus. I want to move on. I can’t move on. The trauma won’t leave me. The PTSD triggers and flashbacks are constant.