Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I’m trying so hard to psych myself up. To get excited at the prospect of using my brain. Of not letting it go to rot. Of doing something that isn’t being a glorified chambermaid.

Not that there’s anything wrong with it. I did a lot of therapy and so much thinking over the job I have chosen because it used to really bother me. It still does a little bit but I’m not suicidal over it like I used to be. I couldn’t imagine wiping ass another 30 years and I wanted to die.

Things are different now and I’ve made this whole thing rather lucrative. I made a lot of money playing different agencies off each other and then taking a permanent position at Sacred Heart. But it’s true that I don’t think I want to do this forever. Despite a lot of setbacks and failures over the years, I’m certain I could do more than just be a CNA. I feel so held back. I’ve written in the past about feeling like I could have been more if it weren’t for bipolar and PTSD. I was supposed to be the doctor, not the patient. And I’m sometimes so discouraged by this. I’m just not enough.

So, the weekend before grad school starts, I hype myself up. I keep lying to myself, saying I can handle it easily and lots of people work and go to school. I tell myself I’m smart enough, good enough, to do it. That despite all my fear and nervousness it’s not a big deal. It’s only a year and a half. I lie to myself.

I’m expending a lot of excess, nervous energy this weekend. Tonight is my last night of work before my weekend and tomorrow and Saturday I’m getting ready for my BBQ and bonfire. I have to continue cleaning up my yard a little, there is a wood pile I intend to burn. The house and yard are looking really good. Of course I’m doing chores every day, all the time. I like my shit CLEAN.

I still have not got through to Dr Black. I’m trying again this morning. I’m not sure what I want to say. Maybe I need reassurance.