Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Mental health, or lack of it, always occurs in concert with the environment. They are intertwined. It’s difficult to be well adjusted if the environment is negative or unhealthy. There are certainly worse times in which to have lived, and worse places to live, but it feels like normal life hangs by a thread.

Democracy is on life support, not just here, everywhere. At least everywhere that used to matter. I don’t like getting into this kind of shit on my blog but context. Context is everything. It shapes and influences our mental health, and I’m no exception. I’m often deeply affected by things that are happening. My last social worker used to say I carried the world on my shoulders.

Today was action packed. I was up early and started cleaning, organizing, packing, and preparing for the Pride parade and festival. After that it was the No Kings march. Even my mom came out for that.

This year felt more important than ever to support pride, especially as all these things we fought for are under threat. My existence as a trans person is under threat. I’m not even out, I’m just a guy. No one would ever guess I’m trans, I pass very well and have for years. All my documents, down to the passport, are updated. Thank fuck I live in Washington state.

I ubered my mom down and we watched the parade before going for a drink at a favorite bar. I didn’t want to head into the park for the festival yet, I don’t do crowds very well and thousands of people were descending on downtown. We had prepared to be more practical – in past years I would dress in elaborate drag or something. This year I still looked good but with an eye on the protest march after Pride. We each had a backpack with water, advil, masks, umbrellas (for the tear gas) and other random things. After Pride, no one left. Everyone assembled on the street and marched toward the federal building. The crowd was huge. We shouted along to chants of No Kings, and Fuck Trump! Saw some very clever signs: Elect a rapist, expect to get fucked. No Faux King Way! And Fuck ICE!

The madness is maddening. And yet I am the one on medication?? But really, this shit isn’t sustainable. A country can’t hate itself so much and move forward. We know why Trump got elected, that has been studied extensively and it all boils down to this: we cut off our nose to spite our face and sacrificed a whole nation in the process. Hope it was worth it.

As a vet especially, I find all this disgusting. The ICE raids, the “Big Ugly Bill,” the assassinations, every stupid word that comes out of Trump’s stupid mouth hole. I want to scream at everyone, just stop! You are all insane!

It’s got me anxious. What happens the next few years will determine the course of our history for the next few hundred years. My entire family is on medicaid. We are cutting it to give billionaires more money. Slashing spending on health research, gutting the IRS, the social security administration, the SNAP and HUD programs. My mom just became eligible for social security but can’t get through to anyone.

So, I’m trying to shore everything up, consolidate, secure my bubble. I put money in savings every month and try to anticipate problems. This probably isn’t good for my anxiety. I imagine things that haven’t happened yet, and it feels like they have. The future looks so absolutely dismal.