Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I have kept crazy busy to avoid the anxiety, but the stress of a lot to do with the mental preparation of living with my mother again has my heart beating fast sometimes.

I got a carload over there. Started taking stuff over, whatever can fit in my car. Going through the last of my things, mostly blankets and linens now, and taking it to goodwill. I just want to get it all over with at this point.

The house is looking good. I’m determined to use my new DBT skills, especially build mastery, to take back my house and make it mine. Oh, my mother will have a very hard time with this. But I am still looking forward to it. My house is really cozy when all cleaned up. It is well updated and maintained.

While visiting and delivering her liquor and smokes, I pulled out my propane BBQ/grill I got for my birthday a few years ago. A good test of her need to control everything, she tried to talk me into making the burgers on the stove because “I don’t want to clean it.”

“You’re not going to,” I laughed. And pulled it out, cleaned it, and made cowboy burgers. I used the air fryer to make the onion rings and melted pepperjack cheese on them. They turned out perfect, but I am pretty good on the grill.

This week I work through the next nine days. I’m stashing around 2000 a month in savings. Give or take. Shit happens – had to buy a new lawnmower. After the nine days I move the last of it – my big stuff like my bed and china cabinet. That’s when I hire movers. They’re expensive but my china cabinet alone weighs as much as the empire state building so I need professionals. I’m not risking my back.

I can’t believe my time in my awesome little downtown apartment is coming to an end. I really had a good time there, even if last summer was badly marred by a psychotic suicide attempt and detainment in a mental hospital. Being in the apartment at the time was actually a good thing – I had a safer place than I normally would have and a safe place to which I could return when I was released.

Ceila says this will be bad for my mental health, living with my mom. Maybe she’s right. But that’s why I did so much therapy, spent all that time and sacrificed sleep for intensive DBT treatment, to prepare for this day. It’s coming, literally next week. My last night in my apartment is next Wednesday.