Documenting my journey through the mental health system

What a wild ride. I always send out a little prayer into the universe, to whoever is listening (probably nothing and nobody) but I do it anyway, hoping for a chill shift. Hoping there’s no one in restraints, a million admits, crazy vitals, and the like. But it has been an interesting and intense shift.

Nothing I can’t handle. I notify the nurse of any abnormal vitals. I check and change the people who need it, on time. I have about five out of 15 who are heavier care, needing a brief change, incontinent, or unable to move themselves, so I gotta do it. There are confused and combative people who end up in restraints. I have one of those tonight, but he is well medicated. I have to check his vitals every two hours. They did the same to me when I was strapped down my first night in the mental hospital about 10 years ago. I still feel badly triggered when confronted with it. So stupid…

There’s also a profound sadness. The folks in restraints are older, demented, confused, unable to follow directions, and unable to be safe. We have to tie them down.

There is little hope of any qualify of life. Very little recovery potential. Just tied down and slowly dying. The best we can do is good drugs to keep them comfortable. What a nice end to life. (Sarcasm)

That’s why I’ve hashed out my end of life plans so early. All the local hospitals have my wishes on record. I would never go through some of the incredibly invasive procedures and medical interventions these people elect to endure. I have one patient with no less than four drains from his stomach and torso. He’s also quite obese. There is little hope of recovery and a normal life.

Why do we cling to life? It is better never to have been born. I read a book about that – decidedly anti-natalist, it argued it was ethically wrong to reproduce because it’s going to suffer, whereas not giving birth doesn’t condemn us to suffering. Or something like that. Better never to have been.

I think we cling to life because simply dying hurts and is scary because we just don’t know. We don’t know what’s next, we don’t know anything. Everyone sees a bright light at the moment of death before they are brought back and that is not heaven, it’s not the doorway to heaven. It’s just the brain releasing DMT, one last desperate measure to ease our way.

Life is attractive also because of concepts foreign to me – the feeling of love and loving another person or people, for example. The act of reproduction itself, giving birth. And of course, sex and food.

I don’t know why I’m here and why I cling to life. Sometimes I don’t and have tried to kill myself. This is treated as a medical emergency, and you’ll get locked up. We assume life must be maintained at all costs. And I see those terrible costs every day.