Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I expect to be able to approve the final draft in the next day or two. The publisher is waiting on it.

I am digging deep into the IOP/DBT skills for distress tolerance. I have stressors on all sides. My mother, my house, my Sacred Heart job and all its constant triggers. Being a federal employee as well. Skills like changing the temperature, changing the environment, measured breathing, writing, and music. I’m pulling out everything.

Today on my way home a cop got behind me. I tried not to panic but they are a huge trigger for me. After a block, his lights came on. I thought for sure he wanted me but couldn’t imagine what for. Then he turned on a side road and was gone but I was left with my heart in my throat.

It’s so stupid, I know. I do nothing to attract police attention, but they scare me. I don’t hate them but I’m certainly not a fan. I can still feel that cop grabbing me and hauling me out of my apartment nine months ago.

I pulled the police report for that day. Also stupid, I know. I just had to. I needed to see it for myself. Apparently, there’s body cam footage as well. I don’t know if I will request that. I don’t know if I should see that.

My mother leaves for Easter weekend tomorrow to see my brother, his wife, and their two boys. My younger nephew’s birthday is on Easter this year. My laminate comes Tuesday. She was going to stay till then but is now saying she will come back Monday because of the laminate arrival Tuesday. This is profoundly exasperating. She sees me as such a fool and so inept I can’t get laminate flooring into the house without her around. It’s not even her house. I haven’t told her yet, but that is essentially what I will say.

The installation is scheduled for Friday next week. I have that night off. Once the flooring is in, I can start moving some of my stuff back in. My room’s new ceiling fan/light fixture came and can be installed next Saturday after the flooring. Ripping out the wall for the new window and my new back door won’t be till end of May. There isn’t much more I can do to the house before move-in. I have grad school to worry about.