Documenting my journey through the mental health system

At last, after a marathon of 60-hour work weeks the last three months, I’m taking a week off. I don’t have to be back at work till next Thursday.

I am anxious about my flooring project. I still haven’t heard from my installation coordinator. I worry they won’t be able to do it in time. But as Dr Black said, worry is an expensive emotion. It costs a lot, and takes a lot of effort, for no payout. Cognitively I understand this but putting it into practice is very difficult for my level of anxiety.

I’m taking my meds diligently. I take Abilify, Lamictal, and Effexor every morning, and Lamictal again at night. That is the mood stabilizer I have a hard time swallowing. I also have a lot of PRN (as needed) meds for EPS (extrapyramidal symptoms) anxiety, and insomnia. Vistaril, Ativan, Seroquel, and Trazodone. I haven’t used the Trazodone in a long time and probably never will. It’s a harsh anti-psychotic. The Seroquel is not so bad in small doses and can help calm my overactive mind. The Ativan is also very helpful for intense anxiety and sleeplessness. It’s a drug that scares me a little. But when I need it, I need it, and I’m so relieved to have it.

People ask me why I work so much when I have a rental property for passive income, VA disability, and a good federal job (at least for now). I’ve said it before, it’s a coping mechanism. If I work myself to exhaustion, it’s harder to be depressed. That sounds dark but I get a feeling of satisfaction with the money I make and the productivity. I could make money or sit at home and drink and worry. I am very motivated by money. It gives me a sense of security and accomplishment. I grew up poor, and I’ve been so poor it drove me to suicide attempts. That was in 2011, about six months after I graduated college. I was desperately poor and there was a terrible recession, and I couldn’t find a decent job. I was about to be evicted for lack of rent and ended up in the psych ward for a suicide attempt. I spent a week in the VA psych ward (my first time) and they set me up with supported employment, and I’ve been involved with them ever since. I see my case manager tomorrow morning.

I have a lot of debt to pay off. The sewer blowout, the new furnace, the new window and door, my small credit card debt. I want to pay it all off rapidly, and I can by making so much extra money a month. I want to throw thousands at a time at this debt as soon as I move. Right now, I’m spending and saving at the same time. Spending on the house, especially before prices skyrocket. Saving for eventual debt elimination.

Sometimes it’s really hard to find any motivation. It’s shallow I know, but money motivates me. Work helps me cope. And I need all the coping mechanisms I can get.