Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Jesus Christ the flashbacks…I am lost in my head so often. Stuck in memories, stuck in the past.

The juxtaposition of bipolar with PTSD is painful and aggravating and weird. A doctor found that this PTSD profoundly affects my life. Pile on a manic or depressive episode and I’m suddenly dealing with intrusive thoughts and memories going a mile a minute, hypervigilance becomes acute paranoia and suspiciousness, and I can’t feel any joy at all.

I’m absolutely plagued with flashbacks right now. Memories of being locked up, tied down, cops grabbing me, rape, drugged, etc. It just goes on and on. Ceila says I act like a traumatized person. And the screaming…I don’t know if it’s me, if it’s someone else, but it won’t stop. I can’t take a certain medication I have for this till I get home.

I’m wired and don’t need much sleep. I took my Gabapentin and other sleep meds and maybe got four hours. I feel wide awake.

I am quiet as a ghost and blank as a sheet. I hear screaming. I know it’s only in my head, at least I’m pretty sure, but being aware of that doesn’t make it any better.

I am trying to use those grounding and distraction coping skills IOP and Dr Black taught me. I’ve been reading a book, listening to music to drown out the screaming, and focusing on five things – what I can see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. It’s a pain in the ass and feels corny and cringey but that’s all there is. I ate a chip. I drank the rest of my whole milk I had stashed here at work.

I’m not hungry. I ate yesterday at a restaurant. I will most likely try to eat at home but only if my appetite comes back. I don’t force it. Sometimes I forget to eat for days.

I am not sure what’s wrong. Nothing, I guess. There is just nothing.