Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I always knew this day would come, and it didn’t take long at all.

Got another shitty work email this week. This time, a memo rescinding the VHA directive to provide gender-affirming care to trans vets. Effective immediately, the VA no longer provides gender-affirming care.

“Unless such veterans are already receiving care from VA” – was stated in the memo. This might mean I can continue to get my testosterone, but it’s more likely they’ll engage in the rule making process, a formal process that decides healthcare delivery at the VA. This is also mentioned in the memo – “To comply with Executive Order 14168 of January 20, 2025 (https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/defending-women-from-gender-ideology-extremism-and-restoring-biological-truth-to-the-federal-government/) VA is rescinding VHA Directive 1341(4). In addition, VA will conduct a comprehensive review of care with respect to trans-identifying Veterans and will undergo the rulemaking process to revise the medical benefits package as deemed necessary; however, this rescission does not affect existing clinical guidance. The following limits are also unchanged.” (Emphasis added by me).

As the new Secretary of the VA said, “if veterans want to attempt to change their sex, they can do so on their own dime.” I hate how they always use terms like sex and gender interchangeably, the two mean different things.

I called my testosterone provider at the VA and left a message for her to call me back right away. I have to switch back to vials for my shots, which sucks, but it’s the only way I can stockpile them. After that I’m not sure what I’ll do. It is enough to take me back to suicidal thoughts and other really dark places.

I’m trying not to go down the black and white rabbit hole. Thoughts like “the VA has turned their back on me” is a totalitarian thing to say, even though I’m anxious and angry and it feels true. There are also people that care about me at the VA and are just as outraged.

The really worrisome part of the whole memo is the part that mentions identifying trans veterans and going through the formal rule-making process to revise their medical benefits package. That is absolutely terrifying to me. The VA is literally all I have, has kept me alive.

I’ve never really identified as trans. I don’t think it is an identity. I’m just a guy. I’m just a guy with bipolar disorder and a bad case of PTSD and happen to have been born female at first. It’s not a big deal.

It was never a point of contention for me. Never caused me distress. I didn’t even care that much when I was recently legislated out of existence with that EO linked above. I just did what needed to be done. (Also updated all my documents, down to the birth certificate). The weekly testosterone injection is perfect for maintenance and works seamlessly with my bipolar meds now. Didn’t used to be that way and it took time to get the dose and timing just right. Now that it is, they want to take it away. And I’m really not sure what I’m going to do. It would cost 500-700 a month out of pocket.