Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I got the first 60 pages back of my book, proofread and edited. There are new pages, still blank, for a dedication and acknowledgment. I haven’t thought about the dedication or acknowledgment yet, but it will most likely be dedicated to Ceila and Shelly, who were there for me the whole time I was going through some really traumatic events. I’m not sure what the acknowledgment is for exactly, maybe some kind of thank you to those who pushed me to publish along the way.

I missed work the other night. I felt bad about it, but I just couldn’t get moving. No time to sleep…I took my brother to a food bank Tuesday morning and didn’t get to bed till after noon, and then I slept past my alarm. That is very unusual for me and means I really needed the sleep.

Civilians are so different than my vets at the VA. I’ve been insulated, doing rehab and hospice in a restraint-free lower level of care than med/surg. Civilians in med/surg are all so sick and there are so many psych issues. It’s fucking heartbreaking when I have to help put someone in restraints or hold them in place for a shot of ativan. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it. My need to dissociate just to get through the moment is all I have to cope right now.

I start my master’s program in July, after moving. This should give me time to save up a little money. I qualify for up to 5k in tuition reimbursement per year from my new part time job so I should be able to get half the degree paid for out the gate. It’s clear I won’t hear anything back from a gutted education department, so I am on my own. I don’t think I’d want to borrow money from them anymore anyway. I plan on talking to my credit union about a 10k personal loan. I’ve got loans from them before and paid them off. I’ve just never asked for one this large. All I need is 20k. My car cost more than twice that.

At the house my room is painted, and my floor installers meet this week for measurements. I had a window consult and will widen my kitchen/dining room window as well as get a new back door. I’m particularly excited for the new window, it’s going to be four feet wide and a crank opening, with gorgeous fat hardware that reminds me of the steampunk aesthetic. In time I’ll replace the rest of the windows, but it is crazy expensive, so I’m literally doing one at a time.