Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I have tried to keep busy. Yesterday I saw my supported employment case manager for the first time since before my recent detainment. He is still rather new to me, but I’ve been involved in the supported employment program at the VA for over 10 years now. They helped me get the job I have, and they help me avoid getting fired.

I have a less than stellar work history. I managed a goodwill for a while, after starting on the floor, but quit when my school schedule at the time couldn’t be accommodated. After the army I worked security but due to my problems with sleep, sleepwalking, and mood, I was late a few too many times and eventually fired. I worked a few random home health types of jobs but got fired from those too. I got on at the VA as a nurse assistant with the help of supported employment and that is where I remain.

I’ve had significant interpersonal issues at work. I have little filter and maybe I get too easily frustrated. I have had harsh words with management, knowing I need to cool it even while losing it. I often have my case manager present when they want to address the concerns they have with my behavior. I would note I’ve NEVER had an issue with a patient, a fellow vet. They love me. It is staff and management who drive me fucking nuts. I’ve been written up and counseled several times, usually related to an inability to deal professionally with coworkers/management. I also swear too much. Supported employment helps me navigate that and offer a layer of protection between me and management. I would not have lasted this long at any other job.

I’ve tried to find another job, something that is less stressful than direct patient care. I’ve had over 75 interviews at the VA in the last 8 years, and nothing. Mostly admin/secretarial/support role types of jobs which really appeal to me because I like quiet offices. I also interviewed three times with sterile processing. There were several interviews in which I had already interviewed for the position previously but for whatever reason, was not selected the first time around. Making it to the interview stage was easy enough, but nothing ever happens after that. I even did a detail on my days off in the credentialing department and helped them in their office with credentialing and verifying all current and incoming employees. It’s actually a pretty arduous process. But I liked it. The position opened, I interviewed, still nothing. That absolutely pissed off my supported employment case manager. The government moves in mysterious ways.

I’m not gonna go back to school, I already fucked up a Masters and a surg tech training program. If I did, it would be for music. Career be damned, I am 39 years old. I’d go for fun.

Not saying I would. Just that I have to come to terms with where I’m at and be grateful I can even work. For now. A lot of those patients in the hospital with me had little hope of holding a job and were awaiting placements at group homes/care homes in the area. How fucking terrifying. I am stressed – I look after my mom, I own a rental property, I have a job – it is a lot but at least it’s mine.

The frequency and intensity of my hospitalizations are increasing. So is my need for additional medication, additional intensive outpatient services, and daily safety planning. I cannot say I won’t also end up in a group home, unable to work or maintain myself anymore. Jack often says it’s only a matter of time.

Today I fight the voices competing for space in my head, the urge to descend with them is strong. I am trying to stay busy and occupied but after a minute it is hard to do more than stare at the wall.