Documenting my journey through the mental health system

Maybe something is changing. Even if just a little.

I have so much pent-up energy and my bones are sizzling.

I used ativan, melatonin, vistaril, and gabapentin to force myself to sleep before work. On my way to work, I drove by the mental hospital as I always do and this time, not the panic and depression I had before. It wasn’t the same sense of dread and despair. Bad memories, intruding, when I most need to focus. This time, I wondered what Dr P would think of me now. There was a nurse who encouraged me to look into grad school again. At the time, I thought that was a thought crazier than I was. But later, I actually would apply to grad school, and get in. I wonder if they would be proud of me. Would I be a success story?

Riley was the IOP therapist. When I first met her and she was asking me questions, I felt small and pathetic and scared. Now I’m a powerhouse.

The foundation used to be a stack of cards, but I improved it with therapy, a lot of therapy. Most of it rests on a bedrock of a good bipolar cocktail – the handful of pills I take every day to maintain this equilibrium, hard fought and hard won.

I like getting the adrenaline rushes of energy. They feel good. I like not needing to sleep as much as other people. I have the energy of a 30 year old at 40.