Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I’m feeling pretty good. I get so much done. I ran around all morning. I don’t need as much sleep as other people.

I’m thinking of another book. Some kind of sequel.

I dropped 1000 dollars on a cruise next year, in June. It’s a land and cruise tour. The land portion is 4 days; the cruise is 10. It will cost about 10,000 dollars and I’m making payments. I’ve saved a lot of money and still am. I pay for grad school out of pocket but before the end of the year I can access the reimbursement of tuition program here at my part time Sacred Heart job. After November, I will have paid off Veteran’s Guardian for their assistance with my service-connected increase to 100%. Now that I don’t pay rent on my apartment and will soon pay off another bill and then get my tuition reimbursement – I’ll have more than enough for both grad school and a cruise. Right now, I put around 2000 a month in savings. I can increase that to 3000 after November. Probably more. I don’t spend a lot, that’s why I can save a lot. I stopped using food delivery. I used to, frequently, while living in my apartment. I ate out quite often, nearly every day. I justified it by saying I had the money for it and I’m good at finding deals besides, and I work 60 hours a week. So, I don’t really have time to cook.

My mother is a lot of things, but a bad cook she is not. She is taking part in the cruise preparation. She cooks every day to make up for lack of takeout. I buy whatever groceries she requires (and then my favorites). I’ve saved over 1000 over the last six weeks from lack of eating out. I do miss some restaurants though…and I miss being downtown sometimes, walking around in the mornings, alone and more at peace in my apartment and downtown neighborhood. Free, somewhat, from my difficult family.

My brother made a half-assed attempt at suicide by overdose and lost his job in the process. I don’t know how they factor in but that’s the first thing he did after getting off probation. Drinking again too. He gets fired from every job.

I used to. It took mad amounts of therapy and supported employment for me to hang on as long as I have. I also aged, grew up. My brother is four years younger than me but is not growing up. Nothing I can do about it. I won’t go down that path. I’m so disappointed. I hope he doesn’t think he can come crawling to me when he inevitably loses his housing and everything else.

I am killing it. I am currently fallible and sharper than I have been in a long time. I will start school again in about a month. I do it and 2 jobs and maintain a home and 7 cats. I am eccentric. I saw my Sacred Heart manager and asked about doing my APE (applied practice experience) right there in my current job. It’s in fact what the program recommends as we’re already there. I’ve got some ideas for the project I will have to conduct. She sent me the name and number of someone who might be able to help.

I feel a weird detachment to my catastrophic thoughts. The same thinking many doctors and therapists have tried to change, but most of this is innate. Then there is the energy infusion, the rush, the feeling of invincibility. I am dominant, a god of my life.