Documenting my journey through the mental health system

I had two appointments Friday. I work so much so I often set appointments all in one day. Friday it was seeing my supported employment case manager and seeing my meds prescriber. I saw my prescriber first. He asked about how I’m tolerating them and was I having any side effects or other issues. He also asks about my PRNs, which ones I use, and how often. I admitted taking a little more Ativan than usual because my sleep meds just don’t work as well as they used to, and I’ve had periods of significant anxiety besides. I told him about family drama and moving back into my house and all the work I put into it. I mentioned how I’d gotten a promotion at my Sacred Heart job and that came with a small pay raise. And grad school is coming at me like an out-of-control freight train. There is so much going on. This is in part exhilarating. I am also overwhelmed.

Moving day is June 19th and next weekend I start carloads back into my house. Whatever I can fit and drive over…I’ve also got to get a bookshelf over to my brother’s and sell a desk and coffee table. Everything else is going to goodwill, including a whole kitchen. I can’t take much over…there just isn’t room for me.

Adapting to life with my mom again is going to be a wild ride. I have a lot of yard work to do, I have a lot of household maintenance to do. I have to set everything up from the mess it is now. It’s daunting. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

But the appointment went well. No med changes, but he did say to take more Lunesta for sleep since I’m already on a low dose. I can double, even triple it. I am not hearing voices or other random noises but I’ve noticed when I do, it’s correlated with less sleep.

I don’t have much emotional expression right now. I used to be rather expressive but the meds make me blunted and lessen my ability to feel and express how I feel. It’s fine I guess. There is not much I can do. I’m not really willing to change meds, I told him. The blunted affect is the price I pay for shortened highs and lows.

When I saw my supported employment case manager after, I told him about my anxiety with grad school and balancing that and two jobs. I think I can do it but I was on an impulsive manic whim when I applied. He thinks it will definitely open doors for me in the future and wants me to get in touch with the veterans office on campus. I did call them once to ask about scholarships. My case manager is looking for them too but there is little to nothing for graduate work.

When it comes to working for the VA, ugh. Sometimes they can make things so needlessly oppressive. A lot of micromanagement, and poor management besides. There is a lot of fixation on little things that aren’t a big deal, and a tendency to miss the forest for the trees on the part of a lot of the staff. Sometimes this aggravates the shit out of me and I’ve lashed out inappropriately and unprofessionally. However, because I’m in supported employment, I’ve had a lot of therapy and anger management to better navigate work, especially work for the feds. I’ve chilled out a lot. I don’t take things as seriously. I don’t engage in the nitpicking, the complaining, the politics. I have my firmly held opinions, but I often hold my tongue. I’m lucky to have a good crew on the night shift with me. We are all friends. There is one very weak, ineffectual nurse, and one rather lazy nurse assistant, but overall we do really well together and are considered the strongest shift.

I had a moment of panic the other day. It’s June, and I move June 19th. It’s coming at me so fast, I still haven’t started car loads and haven’t got my mom’s chest out of my closet. I have a very busy couple weeks ahead.