Documenting my journey through the mental health system

My flat affect continues. People think I’m depressed but I don’t really feel depressed. Maybe a little stressed out.

If there are feelings to feel, my Sacred Heart job certainly makes me feel them. So many triggers which still, maddeningly, push my limits and make me question all my life choices.

I like healthcare, I tell myself. I like working in it even though I hate being a patient. I’m terrified and distrustful as a patient, and yet I think patients should never have to feel that way with me, I am safe. I have a way with them. I am pretty good at what I do. It is all in how well you can act. And I’ve given oscar-worthy performances.

How hypocritical of me. I want patients to trust me and yet I have no trust in the system. People are different, people can mean well and make a difference, even if small. Systems are terrifying and murky. I’m trying not to be that which I feared and hated when I myself have been thrust through the medical and mental health systems.

The hardest patients are the psych patients. I used to work in mental health – from 2011 to 2015, I passed meds at a psych residential facility, right after I graduated college. I got out of that not long after I was violently detained in a mental hospital for suicide attempts and psychosis. I was so burned out on what seemed like a hopeless situation, a hopeless system. The seeds of fear and distrust had bloomed.

I have yet another catatonic patient. This one is stiff and mute. Won’t take meds and is detained. As soon as he’s medically stable, he’s off to the psych ward. These cases tear me up inside. PTSD becomes so acute, so prominent as a force in my life when I am confronted with some of my biggest triggers here at this job.

And yet I seem to be performing well. I am promoted to a senior aide position. I haven’t missed any work in a long time. I will be putting in my first time off request for my upcoming move in June; I want a few days to readjust. I will need a lot more time than that but at least for the move-in period, I’m going to need some time off. I’m planning on moving all my furniture and the larger items mid-June, this gives me time to sell off the last of it and clear out what doesn’t sell to Goodwill by the time the lease is expired at the end of June.

I have systematically replaced most everything. My nightstand, bed frame, and bookshelf are all new. I’m keeping my multicolor rocking chair and of course my China cabinet, which is an antique. My brother is taking my mini-couch and the old corner bookshelf. I’m selling off/donating everything else like my desk (already have one at the house) and matching cabinets. I’ve been sorting all my clothes and linens and packing what I’m keeping in bins designed for under the bed. I hope to be as unloaded as possible. There is not a lot of room for me in my house as it is.

Tomorrow I’ve got a guy coming to start taking large amounts of my mom’s crap out from my carport, so I at least have somewhere to park. I have to call my hardwood restoration guy; I haven’t heard back since the initial estimate. And I still need to call Lowes. I just want all this shit to be DONE!